by Tracee Sioux

I saw the second plane hit the World Trade Center in person, I snapped a photo at that very moment. The anniversary of 9/11 is something everyone on television will be talking about today. They will all be running the most graphic and terrible footage they can find.

I won't say they shouldn't show the footage. But, I will say the images that haunt me from that day, and the images still do haunt me, are not the ones I saw in person. They are the ones I saw on television over and over and over. My brain kicked into self-protection mode in real life and I couldn't even believe my own eyes until the television confirmed it. And television confirmed it with graphic horror shown over and over and over until it now resides as wallpaper in my brain.

It's important for adults to understand what happened on that day. But, the watching of the footage over and over isn't good for the mental health. Not good for me, not good for you, and absolutely unfit for children.

Keep in mind that you can DVR shows you want to watch and view them after the kids are in bed. I want to see Oprah's show on the surviving children of 9/11, but I don't think I'll let my kids watch it.

To all the rescue workers out there, I remember what you did. I remember why you did it and I think it's a disgrace that we, as Americans, have not offered you a lifetime of free health care as you struggle with 9/11 related illnesses. I remember the smoke, the smoldering fire that lasted weeks and weeks. I remember how you risked your health to save any one, any one person you hoped would have survived.

To the leaders who've been questioned before Congress for allowing the search to go on too long or whose decisions during that time have been questioned. I remember those missing posters wallpapering the city. I remember how unwilling to give up hope for survivors the families were. I remember the pundits and anchormen using their patriotic banter to encourage the search to go on and on and on. I remember how devastatingly hard it was for the city to look at the thousands of faces on the posters lining the subway stations and fences and accept the fact that they weren't missing - they were dead.

Every leader who stepped up and made the hard calls and hard decisions should get a free pass on 9/11. There was no handbook, the graphic horror of that day was unprecedented. The shock city-wide and national was real. At least they didn't curl up in the fetal position and sob like I did.

by Tracee Sioux

The first week of Kindergarten didn't go as smoothly as I had planned. Perhaps that's the problem with having a plan, you get too attached to the outcome and then become disappointed.

Practical problems included the bus taking 2 whole hours to bring my kid home. Two hours is a heck of a lot of time to spend on a bus. We live within walking distance of the school. Literally about 5 blocks. Of course I called the school twice to find out if my daughter was still there, had been brought back, etc. When she finally got off she said all the kids had fallen asleep and had to be carried out by parents. Day 2 same problem. Day 3 I send a note saying I'd be picking her up until further notice. I had talked to several parents who don't allow their kids to ride the bus for fear of bullies. Apparently, the bullies needed their afternoon nap.

Adding two extra hours on to her school day resulted in emotional meltdowns. Big exasperated shouting and screaming and crying fits. Meltdowns.

I had to go coach soccer without her because she just couldn't handle an extra-curricular activity. Then we went ahead with a church meeting after school on Day 2 and maybe that was just too much for everyone. She also rejected school lunch and asked me to pack her one. Cheaper and healthier anyway.

Day 3 I picked her up and she was missing her preschool best-friend pretty badly. Not a single one of her friends ended up in her class. I guess they don't even have recess or lunch as a group. So, I invited her friend over to play. One conflict after another (between us, not between she and her friend) resulted in two pretty major meltdowns. She's grounded for a week.

She's was not allowed to play soccer on Saturday. The worst part is that I still had to coach it. Once it was out of my mouth I had to do it.

I sent her to Day 4, Friday, with a massive guilt trip and major shaming lecture. Really sometimes I wish I hadn't taken an anti-spanking discipline position. Sometimes I think what she needs is to be swiftly smacked in the mouth. That's probably not what she needs, but it's what my impulse is. My parents would have gotten out the belt and been done with it. Yes, her behavior was serious enough for a really big consequence. But, she's 5, what exactly is a really big consequence?

Does external stress excuse really terrible behavior? Does that fact that she's only doing what we, her parents, taught her to do give her a free pass? Both my husband and I have had really big meltdowns under stress. Does that mean we shouldn't punish her when she only acts out what we taught her to do?

by Tracee Sioux

We, my husband and I, are participating in a federally-funded marriage education course designed to keep the family together. Vow, Healthy Marriage Education Initiative is being funded by the Administration for Children and Families and the US Department of Health and Human Services.

Marriage. Where to start. Obviously, marriage and the success or failure of marriage deeply effects the empowerment of girls, well all children really. I'm trying to raise an empowered girl, yet I find it increasingly arduous to model a positive marriage relationship.

My husband and I are one generation removed from Traditional Marriage Stereotypes. Dad equals bread-winner and decision-maker, wife equals care-giver and house-keeper.

As a culture, we're reinventing marriage and the roles wives and husbands play. In theory, my husband and I agree, but theory only gets you so far. It's the actual division of labor, outside-the-home and inside-the-home, we get hung up on a lot. Not only have neither of us seen the new husband/wife relationship modelled by parents, but our siblings and other familial and religious influences remain pretty traditional.

I would be ashamed to admit that we find marriage such a struggle if the statistical evidence that we're not alone were not so overwhelming.

Half of marriages end in divorce. 50%. FIFTY PERCENT. Half!

That's a huge social problem. Here's why:

Women who get divorced are more likely to live in poverty, retire homeless, commit suicide or become ill. Men who divorce are less likely to have good relatioships with their children. Their ex-wives and children are more likely to need financial assistance from the government.

Children who come from divorced homes are less likely to attend college, more likely to do drugs, more likely to become pregnant, more likely to get divorced, more likely to commit crimes, more likely to contract social diseases. Those consequences cost tax-payers a lot of money in prisons, jails, and social services.

Finally, the federal government has decided to get to the core of the problem and help families find a way to be happier together than apart. This is a virtual standing ovation - APPLAUSE!!

The program is in a research phase where 225 pocket areas with high rates of divorce have been given $118,644,219 in grant money to determine if this kind of marriage education program will be effective.

The 6-12 week program focuses on what each person in the relationship brings to the marriage by way of baggage, if you will. There is an examination of assumptions, beliefs and world-views of both marriage partners to identify some of the root problems.

Once the core issues have been identified there's a rapid move toward conflict resolution. Couples are given practical skills and tools to determine how to compromise and enjoy their marriages.

Key points that make me hopeful about Vow's success are:

* The research and foundation for the Vow program is designed around research of HAPPY couples with long marriages. No one wants to be married for 50 years if it's 45 years of pain and struggle. Better a divorce than that. But, wouldn't it be nice if everyone had the secret recipe for how to be happily married for 50 years?
* The program is a mix of secular and faith-based education, meaning it is designed to help couples navigate their faith issues and come to suitable compromises if they come from different religious backgrounds. It does not promote any one religious belief system, but takes the couple's religious training and desires into account. Churches in Vow communities are encouraged to back up the program and provide support.
* It analyzes pre-conceived gender-roles each partner brings to the marriage, and addresses how that's effecting the division of labor in the family. Working women are still doing 75% of the child-care and house-work. Not to mention the addition of part-time or work-at-home or home-school mothering situations that often don't even get "counted" when we're talking about "working moms". That itself could explain the high divorce rate. Women feel tired and undervalued. Men feel misplaced and unneeded.
* Financial advisers, with no commission motive, are provided for every participating couple. Around 70% of divorces, they say, are over money. Husbands and wives care about money. Enough to get divorced over.
* Every stage of marriage is accounted for. Dating, engaged, married, separated, living together, common-law marriage and every transitional period from new babies to retirement. Even happily married couples who lost the spark or got a bored are encouraged to participate in Vow.
* Lots of focus is put on the role and importance of responsible fatherhood. Perhaps feminism and women's role in the workplace cost father's something and perhaps they're feeling undervalued. Vow addresses the issue of deadbeat and disappearing dads as well.

As I sat listening to the counselor describe how Vow was even going to pay for a couple's retreat, I felt this great sense of relief. A lump in my throat gathered and I blinked back tears - We don't want a divorce. We just don't know how to have a great marriage.

The overwhelming response to the Vow billboards in my town echo my thoughts. Families want to stay together, we just don't know how. Change is hard, it's difficult to adjust to new roles and definitions in relationships. It's not easy to reinvent the meaning of wife or husband or mother or father or family. These are not roles and identifiers we want to lose, but they're shifting into undefined territory.

No success in life can compensate for failure in the home. That's the foundation for the Mormon belief system that I grew up with. I'm profoundly grateful that America is putting some money behind the words "Family Values" and helping American couples redefine marriage.
Find out if a Vow program is near you here.

I'm a big fan of Dove's advertising campaigns. When I saw the real women in their white bra and panties on Oprah, the models for Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty, I got tears in my eyes. Finally, advertising that says real women are beautiful, I thought. I even wrote them a letter thanking them for being the first company, I felt, that didn't try to sell women beauty products by making them feel ugly or less than. Even yesterday I saw the Oprah rerun on Dove's Pro-Age campaign (women over 50 posing tastefully nude) and the staggering beauty of real women brought tears to my eyes.

The infamous Evolution video (featured above) is a great tool which allows us to show our daughters the truth about advertising and beauty. No one looks like they look in a magazine. The thing about all these amazing advancements in technology, like Photoshop, is that reality gets blurred. As parents, mentors, and educators it's important to help girls understand that how they look in reality is beautiful. And how girls and women look in magazines, on television, in movies, and in advertising is fiction, created by technology and professional artists.

Above is a fascinating collection of Dove videos, including their newest Truth Behind Hollywood Hair Call your daughter over and watch them together. They are a great tool for teaching girls, and reminding ourselves, about the reality of beauty.

Visit Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty for more resources on how to make girls feel beautiful.
More posts on Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty
Beauty & Reality
Self-Loathing Sin Bank
More posts on hair:
Pink Hair Fiasco
Pink Hair Fiasco Take 2
Curl Maintenance
The Meaning of Hair

by Tracee Sioux

How come Zack gets a Barbie and I don't? Ainsley challenged.

Why don't you let her have Barbie's? My protegee, Ambrea, asked.
Zack just sat sucking satisfied on the top of GI Joe's camoed head from his car seat.

Freaking Barbie. All day long I'd been being challenged here, on So Sioux Me, about why I don't allow Barbie. Could the lack of a Barbie doll might actually harm the development of my five-year-old daughter? Am I being too extreme? Some think so.

Is a bad feeling in my gut a good enough reason to restrict a mainstream toy? Have you seen Sunset Tan? It's like a strange planet that Barbie took over. Watch the show and then tune into Dr. 90210 and see the perfectly beautiful, normal girls carve up their bodies attempting to look just like Barbie. Have you ever been to LA and seen how homogoneous Barbie beauty is? That's my objection. The Olly Girls are the epitome of girl-mothering failure, in my opinion. That's the bad feeling I have in my stomach that says, just say no to Barbie. I don't see how anyone can watch those shows and not see Barbie's influence. But then I find myself in the car listening to:

How come Zack gets a Barbie and I don't? Ainsley challenged.
Why don't you let her have Barbie's? My protege, Ambrea asked incredulous.

uuuggghhh. I have nothing. Well, I've got a feeling in the pit of my stomach that screams Barbie sucks. But, I don't have a concrete reason to back up or ban the acceptance of GI Joe. He's a war doll with exagerated masculinity in his plastic chest. He seems very much the same as a boy Barbie doll, to my five-year-old daughter.

Like most of my children's toys I didn't buy GI Joe. We were at a thrift store, and I had found Ainsley playing with the Barbies. Zack was being fussy and I grabbed the nearest toy, a GI Joe, to buy myself some browsing time.

A generous and kind employee gave Zack the GI Joe.

I didn't think the issue through before it was thrust into my life. Zack is a toddler. I haven't formulated a policy about the acceptability of war toys or male Barbie-like dolls. We have a talking Bill Clinton Barbi-like doll already, does he too have to go?

So, now I have to decide, if Barbie is banned, then does GI Joe have to go too, out of fairness? Or should I just give up and let Barbie in the house to irritate and annoy me everytime I have to pick her up and put her away?

by Tracee Sioux

I took my kids out for Chinese food last week as a special end-of-summer treat. I had given my 18-month-old Zack a chop-stick to play with. He was picking up kernels of rice with it and eating them. I was very proud.

The waitress came up and took the chop stick away from him. He will poke himself, don't let him have this, she chastised me.

People frequently correct my parenting, probably yours too. Some think it's obscenely bad manners when I let him eat with his hands. Some scold me for allowing him to use a fork because he might scratch the inside of his mouth. Many have lots to say about me letting him feed himself and make such a mess. I'm sure if I fed him with a baby spoon there would be those who felt I was not fostering independence.

I simply nodded and went on with my meal.

You know, you don't have to obey her, my daughter informed me. Give him back the chop stick.

Ah, my sweet, sweet daughter, a woman after my own heart. She is so right. Right now I'm trying to negotiate the fine line between making a big deal out of everything or just shutting up and doing what I'm told sometimes. The older I get the more I realize no matter what my action, someone is going to have a criticism. I'm just working on the appropriate response.