When raising a strong, confident daughter it is helpful to have a good dad to
teach her how to cast a line.

Taken from xkcd, also appearing on feministing.

For the life of me I can not tell you why it never, not once, occurred to me to buy Ainsley a train set.

I've been shopping for Zack's 2nd birthday and realized there is a host of toy options for boys that I never considered for my daughter.

Of course, she would've enjoyed a train village. Why wouldn't she? I'm sure she'll get plenty of use out of Zack's.

Do you think I should get you a Valentine?

I'm going to be seriously upset if you spend money on roses that die and please remember I hate the creams. In fact we don't need chocolate, there's still some from Christmas.

I was talking to her not you, my sweet husband pointed to our six-year-old daughter, Ainsley.

What?

You got a laptop and we're going to dinner. You're not getting me anything are you?

Do you want me to?

No.

Actually, I like to get roses and I would love more chocolate, Daddy. I'll make you a card. How come I can't go to dinner?

You get all those cards from your friends at school. Valentine's is for Mommy and Daddy to go to dinner. You get to go to Nana's

But, I want to be your valentine.

Okay, Daddy can be your valentine. Zack will you be my Valentine?

Mama!

Isn't it romantic?

Check out this worthy article, Marry Him, in The Atlantic by Lori Gottlieb. She makes the case for settling for Mr. Good Enough.

From Ms. Good Enough to Mr. Good Enough - Happy Valentine's Day!

by Tracee Sioux

Have you seen that show Honey We're Killing the Kids? The show you a family with terrible eating habits, fast forward what they'll look like when they're 40 and predict their life expectancy?

Of course they pick families with such terrible habits you can walk away feeling like you're doing a super parenting job just because you introduced fruit.

For a better indication of how you're doing you can take the RealAge Healthy Kids Test. Dr. Mehmet Oz and Dr. Michael Roizen you know, from Oprah and YOU: The Owner's Manual: An Insider's Guide to the Body that Will Make You Healthier and Younger have put together a Healthy Kid quiz. You can enter your kids' nutritional information, exercise habits, computer and television screen time, academic and social exposure and it will give you a score between 1 and 10.

It will also tell you how old your child will feel when they are 30 if they keep up the habits you're teaching them. For instance, When Ainsley is 34 she'll feel only 30 if she keeps her current habits through her lifetime.

It will then give you advice on where you need to make improvements. Ainsley got an 8 which put us above average in the kids' health department. (Zack got a perfect 10, I wonder why when most of my answers were the same?)

We need to work on flossing and visiting the dentist, having more dinners together, swim lessons and stress management to improve our score.

by Tracee Sioux

Maybe you're one of the people who disagree with me politically. Maybe you like the current health care system, don't have a problem with current employment policy, would love to see Row V. Wade overturned. In other words, maybe you're a Republican.

Okay, I can respect that. Almost everyone I know and love is a Republican. I grew up Mormon and married a Texan. Very Republican both.

As an advocate for girls let me make the following plea on behalf of your daughter:

Please, please, please speak respectfully of the one and only female candidate ever for President of the United States - Hillary Clinton.

What you say about Hillary Clinton has the potential to translate to your daughters as your opinion of all women (including your daughter) seeking power.

I vividly remember asking my parents what the Equal Rights Amendment was as a child. I remember them telling me that it was a bill to make women equal to men. And they were voting against it.

Here's how that translated to a six-year-old girl: My parents are voting against ME! Why would they do that?

What you might say instead of I Hate Hillary Clinton! might be, I think a woman would make a wonderful President, I just don't agree with this particular woman's political views on health insurance.

It would be helpful, for your daughter, to avoid vague negative statements about Hillary's suitability as a role model for girls. Instead you could say, I think it's wonderful that a female has gotten this far in American politics. It's wonderful that women are becoming more powerful and ambitious. I just don't agree with her views on abortion or the economy.

If you minimize and criticize the significance of Hillary's presence in this race you minimize and criticize your daughter's potential.

It's Super Tuesday: Take your daughter to vote with you and show her what being empowered in a democracy means.

I am proud to have been spotlighted on All Diva Media again by DJ Nelson.

My story, Girl Fight, was featured in 5 Posts That Made Me Say Hmmm.

Thanks! I'm honored to have made you think.

Miss America, the pageant of all pageant's. The, the, the . . . most obsolete thing in the world.

TLC got a hold of the Miss America pageant and aims to modernize it on a reality show called Miss America Reality Check. Which sounded like a potentially promising thing. For a minute.

There was this part of me - the wicked part - that loved every minute of the tongue lashing the 52 pageant contestants got from What Not to Wear stars Stacy and Clinton. Admit it we've all wanted to say "enough with the sequins and take the hair down about 1,000 notches, you look like a drag queen, and for goodness sake stop it with the spray tan!"

I watched again last night (after the kids went to bed) thinking maybe they were going to move onto to some actual modernizing or dare I dream, feministing, of the pageant.

No, we had an intellectual competition. Who is the most smartest beauty pageant contestant? Host Michael Urie, the mean boy from Ugly Betty, made the girls get into their swim suits and stilettos and they were forced to {gasp} jump in the pool to ruin their make-up and hair if they got it wrong.

So, then it became just another way for women/girls to be humiliated in as little clothing as possible. And was it really a challenge of intelligence? The last winner-takes-all question was about which country Borat comes from.

Borat? That's how we gauge intelligence in this country now? From knowing about last year's crude comedy? Fictional geography?

Why did we give carte blanc to all gay men to humiliate women on television? Why are they allowed to be as insulting and cruel as they like without any public backlash? Were a straight man or a woman to say most of what Michael Urie says on that show it would be socially unacceptable. What makes gay guys the ultimate in fashion experts anyway? They don't have to wear the clothes or the heals or use the products - why should women care what they think looks best on us? Why don't we expect even a minimum of respect from them? It's like women have become the gay man's real-life Barbie to make-over as he sees fit.

And who do we have making over Miss America? The fashion industry. Brilliant! Because they've been so wonderful and uplifting to girls and women in America thus far. The fashion industry knows exactly what the American people want to see in Miss America. Not.

Let's see . . . Who has done more harm to women's self esteem and self image -pageants or the fashion industry?

Really I would love to know - how is this better?

There is a column worth reading on the New York Times Opinion Page about the film Juno. Juno, is the name of a teenager who gets pregnant and gives the baby up for adoption.

Columnist, Caitlin Flanagan, has a valid point about the message of the film and how it effects girls. (I, personally, haven't yet seen the film.)

by Traces Sioux

Every parent of a daughter should see Little Miss Sunshine.

It's the story of a normal girl, Olive, from a dysfunctional family scrambling to get their hands on the American Dream.

Olive's aunt entered her into a beauty pageant and she placed as a runner-up. The winner couldn't make it to the California Little Miss Sunshine Pageant, so Olive gets in at the last minute.

Olive wants it, so the family drives their beat-up VW van across the country. When confronted with the complete insanity of what little girl beauty pageants have come to, both brother and father have serious misgivings about allowing Olive to compete.

This is a funny and entertaining flick. It's also a poignant commentary about the sexualization of girls and the importance our culture places on beauty as success.

Little Miss Sunshine is disturbing, but then so is what we do to girls in our culture.

Support this blog by clicking on the Unboxed DVD in the right side bar to watch the film right now. Or click on the Little Miss Sunshine link to order the DVD.

One of the things most important things I want to teach my daughter is how to make her life happen, as opposed to allowing life happen to her.

I want to give her power. Power to do or be anything she chooses. I don't want her to be limited by the past. I don't want her limited by history. I don't want her limited economically or politically or socially.

I want her to know how to dream. Then to know how to achieve her dreams. Since it's my job to teach her these skills, and dreaming is a learned skill, I've been exploring these issues myself.

Can I make my dreams come true?

During this quest I saw The Secret and I've been experimenting with The Law Of Attraction with success (remember my new house that seemed custom-made for me?).

And see you, you are reading this blog are you not? I've been praying that you would come read this blog.

A month ago I attracted a Law of Attraction Mentor, Jeff Howard, who sent me his Law of Attraction Action Pack. It's a seven day program with tools to help you focus on what you want to attract and shows you how to attract it.

While going through the process I have included my daughter. Great tools for me equal great tools for her. We've made dream boards and listened to the meditation exercises together.

I think it must be working for her, because you would not believe her new room. As a child, I never could have dreamed up such a room. Her new room has two closets, one of them is so big it has a reading nook and a whole rack for her dress up clothes. She even has her own bathroom! A six-year-old has her own bathroom.

As we progress in our spiritual journey or our goal-achieving quests, it's important that we include our children in the process. Whatever the process is for us.

I hope you shared this moment, when the first woman ever won a United States Presidential Primary, with your daughters last night.

Regardless of your political leanings, I sincerely hope that the significance of Hillary Clinton's participation in the democratic process is not going unnoticed.

I also hope you watch what you say about her femininity in front of your girls, whether you agree or disagree with her politics.

For parents of girls this is no time to be laissez fair about the first female presidential candidate of the most powerful national on earth.

When so much of the media exposure portrays women as sex objects or a joke, and the national feminine chatter is about the battle to be beautiful or catch a man, it is vital that girls see a woman on the national political scene being taken seriously.

I think the psychological impact of having a female Commander in Chief would have on our daughters is as relevant to the race as anything else. As a woman, I need to see it and my daughter needs to see if even more.

When we were growing up, women in the media were primarily portrayed as housewives, because sex was highly censored. With the increased sexualization of women in the media, it's even more of a struggle for girls to grow up strong and confident.

Last night when Hillary was in the lead in New Hampshire, Ainsley and I shared a high five that made me a choke up. For her, maybe anything really can be possible. As a mother, that's the reality I want for her.

Certainly, witnessing a woman being taken seriously about real issues will make girls feel more legitimate, valid, and ambitious.

Don't miss this opportunity, call your daughter over to the computer and watch the acceptance speech right now.

by Tracee Sioux

Did you catch the premier episode of Lifetime's How to Look Good Naked?

I think there is enough evidence that body image is, at least partly, emotionally-inherited.

When mothers feel bad about their bodies, daughters are more likely to feel bad about their bodies. (There are always exceptions, of course.)

Nothing is going to change the fact, however, that mothers being critical about our bodies puts daughters in a more vulnerable position self-image-wise.

How is a daughter to stand up to the onslaught of negative messages about a normal woman's body in this highly sexualized and beauty-conscious culture, if Mom can't learn to love her own body and cut herself some slack?

The problem is self-perpetuating. Mom criticizes self, daughter criticizes self and grows up to become mom who criticizes self.

Women need to get proactive about their own self esteem. It takes work to develop and maintain a self esteem. We need to be honest that self-loathing internal chatter is getting us no where.

Enter metro-homosexual Carson Kressly to help us solve our self-esteem issues. Whatever it takes, right?

I was very pleased with the first episode of How to Look Good Naked. While this appears to be a make-over show it is about making over a woman's insides - her self image. Let's face it, women, as a collective-conscious seem to need an internal self image makeover. A lot of us feel like crap about ourselves and that has a negative impact on our daughter's self image and self esteem.

One particular exercise was brilliant. Three women were shown on a monitor walking down the street. One was dressed in a slouchy over-sized sweater, one was in a boring office outfit and another was in a confident, sexy dress. The woman with poor body image was asked to identify the one that weighed most. She chose the one wearing over-sized clothing. What was revealed was that they were all the same woman. It was only her clothing - screaming about her confidence level - that made others think she was the most overweight.

While this is only a television program, it does seem logical to me that we might expect a cultural cure to a cultural problem. In other words, if we can feel better about ourselves while watching such a program - then we should watch it and implement some of the feel-good psychology suggested.

When we feel good about who we are and what we look like - well that translates into a health self image for our daughters. Which, to my mind, is totally worth the effort.

I often have to bite my tongue to prevent myself from exclaiming, Oh, Zack you're such a boy!

It's almost a reflex anytime he plays with machines, pushes around a car, stacks some blocks, plays with a ball or tries to fight. It's a reflex most people in our family do not resist.

Stereotypes are ingrained in us, as much as they are in society.

It's the activities that are seen as masculine - but if you look to the left or right, nearly every time my girl is doing the exact same activity.

She too plays with balls, climbs on any tractor she sees, wants to drill holes in the wall or sling a hammer (like Mommy) and is as likely as he, to jump on your back and holler, You're going down!

How do you think it feels to her when she hears Zack is such a boy! for participating in an activity she too is doing? She might feel excluded from the activity or irrelevant in the situation. Overlooked. Dismissed. Obsolete. Unimportant. Left out. Invalidated and unacknowledged.

For girls and women these are familiar feelings.

You'll notice in the above photograph, Lowes has added women to their marketing displays for mowers. I had two simultaneous responses to this.

The first was, It's about time they acknowledged that women also mow the lawn.

The second was, We already do 75% of the housework and childcare and now we have to mow the flippin' lawn too?

But then I was distracted by Ainsley moving to a new machine and declaring loudly, I'm going to take over the world!

I believe her.

The Iowa Caucus is only days away.

Get your custom-designed Hillary 2008 Bumper Stickers now for only $5. Email me at traceesioux@yahoo.com to place your order. (More designs in the left side bar.)

We all know our own flaws, and recognize them in our children, if we have any self-perception.

I was struck by this paragraph in Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesiaby Elizabeth Gilbert, I'm never going to be a wallflower, but that doesn't mean I can't take a serious look at my talking habits and alter some aspects for the better - working within my personality.

Yes, I like talking, but perhaps I don't have to curse so much, and perhaps I don't always have to go for the cheap laugh, and maybe I don't need to talk about myself quite so constantly. Or here's a radical concept - maybe I can stop interrupting others when they are speaking.

Wow, she must have really harnessed the Divine if she can control all that. I would add to that tone. I want to be able to say that I can control the tone of my voice. And that my daughter can control hers.

I know I've written about my tone before. My tone turtle idea, making us pay a quarter for every time we use a tone, didn't work out because she has no quarters and no concept of money. Many of you find my tone amusing - as do I, which is the core of the problem. It gets laughs - I like making people laugh. I find it instantly gratifying and validating.

I often refer to my tone as Angry Turrets Syndrome. Because it feels like something out of my control. The key here is that it feels like Angry Turrets Syndrome - in reality it is something that I need to learn to control. I've recently discovered that with much effort and a lot of meditation, praying and practice I can control anything, even the way I feel.Did everyone else already know you can control your feelings? It's a bit of a 2006-2007 Revelation for me.

It doesn't matter how I got my tone - let me just say, I come by it honestly. My tone is justified most of the time. My ego needs to know that. I have every right to be upset when I am upset. My ego needs to know that too. But, I choose to give up the tone anyway.

It's time to give it up. It's not getting me what I want. When something is ineffective then it's time to try something else. But, what if I'm not funny anymore?

I've got a lot of incentive to change this aspect of my self. My daughter has taken up my tone - for laughs - to be a disobedient little hooligan - to get her way - to push Mommy's buttons. The other day her friend went home because she didn't enjoy being treated so rudely. It won't be long before she becomes brazen enough to use it with teachers and other authority figures.

In 2008 I WILL get control of my tone and I will insist Ainsley get control of hers. I will not beat myself about the head with self-loathing or punishment when I fail. This is an emotional habit. Habits are terribly difficult and painful to break. But, if I can break the habit of smoking, I can break this habitual tone. I will give myself the whole year to do it and I will cut myself some slack in the midst of it. I will be kind to myself and I will expect kindness from others.

I'm going to start with How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talkby Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I find my tone increases the more frustrated I become with my children and my husband. Perhaps if I have better communication tools I won't become as frustrated. Does anyone else wonder how you make the OTHER communication partner actually respond the way they're supposed to when using these books?

Most recently we've developed a pattern where I kindly ask her to do something four times and then the fifth time I get angry and raise my voice. Only after I yell does she respond.

You don't have to yell at me!
Oh, Really? When I asked nicely 4 times you ignored me! Apparently I DO have to yell at you!

This must stop.

Tone is my parenting and personal New Year's Resolution - what's yours?

Earlier in the month I got an email from DJ Nelson saying that my article My Face/Her Face had changed the way she thought about cosmetic surgery.

This is such a compliment.

In fact, the article, she said, made her not want to shave a little bit off the top of her nose after all.

Major compliment.

She went further and included my article on All Diva Media in a post titled: 20Posts All Women Should Read. (Yes, I did take her advice and read them.)

That's a compliment that netted me hundreds more page views.

I know this sounds a little lame, but it just barely occurred to me that to tell my readers about the article, and link to the it, is not just bragging. It's reciprocation. Of course I want to reciprocate, I'm just not very good at believing, feeling worthy of or embracing success. But, I'm actively working on that.

So, DJ Nelson, I feel privileged and grateful to have been included. Next time, and hopefully there is a next time, you include any link to me - I will immediately reciprocate.

Dreaming is a skill we must teach our children, especially our girls.

Would Hillary Clinton be running for President if she only believed in the Possible?

Would Oprah be Oprah if she didn't didn't believe in the impossible?

Would Nancy Pelosi be Speaker of the House if she only focused on what was easily attainable?

Would Meg Whitman be running eBay if she hadn't learned to dream outside the box?

We must keep teaching our girls that dreams come true. Having Santa fulfill their heart's desire teaches them not only that they can dream, wish and believe - but that it pays off.

Merry Christmas!

When I first got married my in-laws came to visit us in New York. By the end of the trip I had to ask my mother-in-law, Peggy, to please hand the religious tracts to the waitress with the tip so we could still get refills.

I'm all for religious conviction, but some things are just socially inappropriate.

Remember that religious tract Ainsley got with $20 in it?

Mommy, how do I save this? Can you copy 67 of these so I can hand them out to people?

She had taken a children's book with The Lord's Prayer and typed every single word of it.

She's definitely your grand-daughter, I told Peggy. They shared a high-five.

Saturday she and her cousins are going to perform their Christmas Pageant (which Peggy directs) at a nursing home. I think that will be the most socially appropriate time to let Ainsley pass out her religious tracts.

Unfortunately, we're not in a position to hand out $20 with them.