Pages from Ainsley, Perfect You, a book I wrote for my daughter. Steal this idea for Christmas, Please!

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Pages from Ainsley, Perfect You, a book I wrote for my daughter. Steal this idea for Christmas, Please!

Subscribe to my RSS feed and/or email subscription. You don't miss the rest of this series.

Dove's new Campaign for Real Beauty viral video - Under Pressure.

My much adored cousin told me I just HAD to read Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1), by Stephenie Meyer, which is flying off the shelves as women indulge our addiction to the love story.

In the meantime, I've been contemplating a few things like why girls and women can be so self-defeating.

Why does the battered wife stay or go back?

Why are girls willing to put up with blatant disrespect for boyfriends?

Why do women and girls tend to glamorize "giving up everything" for their husbands and children?

What is wrong with us?

Women make up 50% of the population, yet we have so little of the world's power. Why?

Read Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1).

Edward, the beautiful vampire tells Bella, the teenage human girl, over and over that his biggest desire is to kill her. That he can barely contain himself whenever he's around her. Her own demise only turns her on. She has zero sense of self-preservation. She "Loves" him. Within the first week of meeting Edward, who immediately treats her like crap, because he wants to harm her so badly he finds it difficult to resist, she gives up her friends, her studies, her father and her mother and all of her interests. Giving up everything is "worth it." (Where have I heard that line before mothers?)

The answer to all those questions is - we think it's romantic. It makes us hot. It makes us linger in the bathtub or passes the time quickly on the treadmill.

The self-defeat, the sacrifice, the giving up of self, is in our feminine collective dialogue and it's like crack cocaine to us.

Women are addicted to this emotional drug we call "Love", but which is really a lot more like unhealthy emotional psychosis.

It starts with the Disney Princess drama as toddlers and children.

But, then we grow up and it has no effect on us our "real life?" Right?

Then why is the Twilight Series flying off the shelves?

There's no sex in the book (because he would crush her vulnerable and breakable body). But, really, is sex the most self-distructive thing girls participate in? I think not. I would hold up "Love," and our distortions of it, as the most dangerous thing to girls' confidence, their self esteem, their sense of self, their psychological and emotional health. How many girls have sex too soon for this distortion of "Love?"

Here's the other thing that gets me about this type literary dialogue, it's so prevalent in the collective female culture. Yet, the "give up everything" theme doesn't exist in men's literature.

How many relationships have actually self-destructed with these words, "But I gave up everything for you!" women/girlfriends/wives declare.

"Who asked you to? Why would you do that?" men want to know. Love is not described in the same terms, nor defined by the need for women to give up so much of themselves that they no longer actually exist, in the literary consciousness of men.

Women keep acting out the same self-distructive communication patterns and the same self-sacrificing behaviors found in books like Twilight and men are completely bewildered by it.

The only literature or culture in which this exchange - women giving up everything - shows up is in their pornography, where women aren't featured for "LOVE" as we write it, they are featured as inanimate objects for a mere moment's pleasure.

Stop this little cultural miscommunication and you most likely increase not only the duration, but the quality, of marriage in this country.

Stop buying into this ridiculously absurd self-defeating definition of "LOVE" and we might actually give our daughters a shot at healthy love, positive and fulfilling relationships, and enduring marriages. One where they get to keep their selves, their identities, their interests, their talents, their careers, their hobbies, their sense of self-respect and their physical safety.

The question is - can we have both?

Can we have our trashy teenage romance vampire romance novel where we "pretend" to give up our choices and our well-being, our life even, our families, for the "love of our life" who wants to kill us and flat out tells us that and then live empowering strong lives?

Or, do we hardwire our brains to believe that doing self-defeating things for a man is "romantic?" If our brains are hard wired this way, are we passing that down to our daughters? Especially if we allow them to indulge in this type of culture and media?

So, of course I wanted to know, who owns the domain empoweringgirls(dot)com? I went there and it seemed to be parked. I wanted to contact the owner to see about acquiring the web address, so I scrolled to the bottom and clicked.

I was redirected to wildpartygirls(dot)com.

Porn, of course.

Girl is a 4 letter word.

APA Reports Sexualization of Girls Devastating

Sorry, no pictures today.

Whatever the cause of Ainsley's recent attitude problem, I was talking to my friend Jen from Jlogged.com.

She's got 3 boys, and I was telling her how FED UP I am and that I don't really know the most effective thing to do.

She suggested Boot Camp.

Hard labor she said. When they start acting up and getting out of control like that we sit them down for a family meeting and tell them we're not putting up with their attitude anymore and we're going to make them work.

But, she already has to do chores, I said.

Chores. No. I make them scrub toilets with a toothbrush. I make them rake leaves and do yard work. I make them do really hard and dirty jobs for really long periods of time. I ride them really hard for about 3 weeks and it seems to do the trick.

And the list of things that no one wants to do around here started adding up in my head. And I remembered my parents used to make us work too. And their parents before them. And who the heck cares if Supernanny has never featured the Hard Labor Attitude Boot Camp as a parenting method? It's worth a shot.

We sat down at the family meeting and took her to task for her attitude towards me and outlined the new rules.

Didn't she do a nice job on those weeds?

And the whole time she was out there it was blessed silence and peace. I just tell her she has one warning until she does more hard labor. I almost can't wait until she talks back so I can get the rest of the yard work done and the toilets . . .

Is there a downside to Attitude Boot Camp?

So, you can tell from my Hannah Ban that my 6-year-old daughter's been having an attitude problem lately.

I dealt with one of the causes, but I'm not crazy enough to think the banning of Hannah will be enough to cure her attitude and the constant crossing of my boundaries.

Here's what's really upsetting me about Ainsley's attitude.

It's directed at me. And only me.

Her entire bratty dialogue, talking back, rudeness, fit throwing, defiance is directed to a single person on the entire planet and that person is ME.

Her dad says "go clean your room" and she obediently goes to clean her room.

Her dad says "stop doing that" and she immediately stops.

At church and school and over at friends and neighbors and grandparents the child is a "perfect angel."

I say "go clean your room" and it's 30 minutes of arguing, whining, fit throwing and negotiating her way out of it.

I say "stop doing that, please," and she ignores me.

"Please, don't do that," she keeps doing it and make up an excuse for continuing her behavior.

"I said top doing that," and there is angry fit throwing outburst, negotiating and whining and crying.

I SAID STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NOW! NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM CAUSE I'M NOT PUTING UP WITH THIS!

Jeez. You don't have to scream at me, she says all hurt.

Oh really? It appears to be the only way you listen to me, I think.

What I say is, I'm sorry I yelled.

Here's what I want to know - what is different about my "go clean your room" and her fathers? What is different about my "stop doing that" and the neighbors or the teachers or the church lady's?

I have 3 theories.

The first is that my own mother put a traditional daughter curse on me, "I hope you get a daughter exactly like you."

One theory is that this is growing/mother/daughter pains that comes with puberty - only it's lightyears early.

Another theory is that I'm projecting all my daughter issues from my own relationship with my mother on my relationship with my daughter. Put another way, that my feelings about how my own mother disciplined me is preventing me from being an effective disciplinarian for my daughter. In other words, when I say, "Go clean your room," I hear myself as a rebellious teenager say, No. I don't want to! Try to make me! It's MY room. And my daughter is picking up on this inner-conflict via osmosis or emotional consciousness.

Do any other mothers notice their children treating them in a distinctly different way than they they treat the other parent or other adults? How do you explain it?

Come back tomorrow to find out about Attitude Boot Camp.

What's the #1 thing we should teach our kids? Marketing Resistance. They're really gonna need it.

Goodbye Hannah Montana.

I'm sick and tired of hearing your bratty little attitude and disrespect come out of my daughter's mouth.

Months ago I tried to blame ME for my daughter's snotty tone and disrespectful banter. I tried to ban my "tone" and keep you, Hannah, as harmless entertainment.

But, here's the thing: I add quality to my daughter's life whether I take a tone or not. I'm her mother and she's definitely better off with me than she is without me. There's no question that the benefit of me outweighs the cost of my tone.

It's unfortunate, but I can't say the same about you.

It has nothing to do with your back-exposure Miley, which I felt was a trumped up way for the media to call yet another girl a Whore, as we know that's their hobby. I feel bad about that.

It's Hannah's mouth and Hannah's attitude. That mouth and that dialogue is being used against ME.

My daughter thinks it's funny to imitate.

And I agree. It's funny to imitate.

But, if it's a choice between YOU and ME in my daughter's life. Well, I pick ME. Because I add quality and you, well, you don't. When your snotty, bratty, disrespectful banter comes out of my daughter's mouth - well, to be completely truthful, I feel like slapping her. I don't. But, really, it shouldn't take so much effort to stop the impulse.

Also, you're not really age-appropriate no matter how small you make the t-shirts or commando market to Kindergarteners and pre-schoolers.

She's listening to you talk about your "needs" and how your super-protective body guard is getting in the way of those needs.

Now I feel you're" needs" are probably to be kissed and to hold hands, though you left it vague.

But, that's too much information, and too vague, for my 6-year-old daughter. And again. I didn't really like your tone when you discussed your "needs" up with your dad. In fact, I thought your dad handled it poorly - like a shmuck. (While we're speaking of your parents I have to wonder - why exactly has Disney killed off all the girls' mothers, including yours?)

So, I took control of the remote. I couldn't figure out how to just block Hannah Montana so I blocked the entire Disney Channel. Truth be told I'm not a huge fan of your other influences Disney, what with the snotty attitude from Zack and Cody and the Princess Culture nightmare I've had to wade through with my daughter. Christine Fugate of Mothering Heights is banning you too.

So, there you are Disney Channel.

Blocked - Along with the Pay-Per-View Porn.

Read Tone Turtle.

"Tone Control"

Hannah Branding

Empowering Girls: Miley's Photo

Empowering Girls: Princess Culture Examined

Check out these stats from a Newsweek story on Nerd Girls:

Forty years ago women made up just 3 percent of science and engineering jobs; now they make up about 20 percent. That sounds promising, until you consider that women earn 56 percent of the degrees in those fields. A recent Center for Work-Life Policy study found that 52 percent of women leave those jobs, with 63 percent saying they experienced workplace harassment and more than half believing they needed to "act like a man" in order to succeed. In the past, women dealt with that reality in two ways: some buried their femininity, while others simply gave up their techie interests to appear more feminine.

Read Newsweek's story, Revenge of the Nerdette, to find out about THIS generations' Nerd Girls strategy for staying in their science professions.

Here's a hint - they aren't quitting and they aren't dressing like their male counterparts. They are calling themselves "Nerd-a-licious."

Send your brainy daughter over to join nerdgirls.com

Please click on this link to see a CNN news story about Body of Knowledge: Puberty.

Girls today are reaching puberty around three years earlier than in previous generations. The average age of menstruation was 15 years, it is now 12. Many girls are menstruating at 9 years old, outward signs of puberty, such as pubic hair, as early as 6 years old.

The cause is unknown, so there is little parents can do to prevent it.

Some suspects include environmental toxicity, eating from estrogen-filled plastic products, medicinal hormones in the water supply, hormones in milk and estrogen-like chemicals in soy milk, inundating girls with sexualized images in the media, even rising obesity rates in today's children. Read more about these causes (with relevant source links) in my earlier article: Precocious Puberty.

Concerns of early and prolonged estrogen include higher risk of various cancers. So I wonder if the danger of estrogen-related birth control increases as well?

I have some concerns about fertility that I have yet to see addressed: If a girl's puberty process is on fast forward what does that mean for her future fertility? Will she reach menopause at the traditional time or will that also occur earlier? Can she still expect to be fertile in her late 20s and early 30s? Is there any way to answer that question before this generation of girls reach that milestone?

Here is an interview with Dr. Sherrill Sellman from iHealthTube.com where she calls it a public health disaster effecting one out of six people worldwide in this generation of children.

This news cast is saying they've identified a new factor - stress in the home.

Lest you think boys are in the clear and unaffected, think about who needs an overdose in estrogen, or phytoestrogens, even less than girls? Boys.

At this point, I have far more questions than I do answers for you. Bookmark and subscribe to Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me, as I research the issues, I'll keep you informed.

Ding Dong. Ding Dong.

Hi! What can I do for you?

Did you know your daughter is out riding her bike on the street?

Kids DO ride bikes in their neighborhoods. They have, for like, generations.

Well, I almost ran her over when she shot out in front of me and I was wondering if anyone was watching her.

Thank you for not running her over. I appreciate that.

I just wondered if anyone is watching her.

Well, thanks for letting me know. Thanks for not running her over. I'll talk to her about bike safety again.

Next Day.

Mommy can I go ride my bike?

Yes. Watch for cars. Pull over to the side if a car is coming. Never, ever shoot out in front of one. Look both ways. Don't cross if a car is coming. Be very careful please.

Perhaps I should petition the city council for a sign: Kids play here. Don't run them over.

Read how I taught her to ride her bike in B-R-A-V-E!

Visit Free Range Kids if you need support for letting your kids go outside and play.

by Tracee Sioux

It's effective to make some rules when children are still very young to ensure a healthy self-image, including body image.

Most parents forbid name calling when it comes to siblings or friends.

It's appropriate to make the same rule for name calling against themselves.

I punish my children for saying "I'm stupid" and "My legs are fat" the same as I would punish them if they said, "You are stupid" or "Your legs are fat."

Children learn to respect, accept and appreciate their bodies and skills or they learn to self-deprecate.

Respect, acceptance and appreciation doesn't lead to anorexia, self-mutilation or other self-destructive behaviors.

Self-deprecation has been shown lead to self-destructive behavior, depression, low self-worth, drug use and suicide.

Children learn from a Do As I Do as opposed to Do As I Say. Obviously mothers (and fathers) will have to forgo self-deprecation as a form of humor or bonding with other women.

Naomi Wolf said, "The mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem."

A woman can not stand in front of the mirror annihilating her body and her reflection and expect her children to have a positive self esteem. That's just not likely to happen.

My daughter holds me to this standard. I've spoken with her about my own accountability in this area. If I cut loose with an, "I am so stupid!" she will call me on it and has actually sent me to "time out."

I did go to time out, because I want her to know that what I did by calling myself a name was very, very wrong. If I refuse to live up to the standard I set for her then essentially, the message is that it's "not really that important."

When I read the statistics about teenage girls that declare that 13% of girls are depressed, 10 million women have an eating disorder, 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat, 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner.

All because girls never learned to be kind to oneself?

I know I must vigilantly teach my daughter how to take care of emotional self and accept and appreciate her body from a very early age.

More on Body Image at Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me

Self-Loathing Sin Bank

Can we go out for Chinese?

No.

I want to we go out for Chinese?

No.

How come we can't go out for Chinese?

Because I just took a trip and we're going on vacation in a month and we need to save our money.

I think I need a job. I could do stuff around the house and you could pay me money for my jobs and then I could help you and Daddy pay for Chinese.

So you want to do chores for money to help us pay for stuff?

Right. I could clean mine and Zack's room and wipe off the table and help you with laundry.

I'm not paying you to clean your own room. It's your room, it's your responsibility.

Right. But I could do the other stuff.

Okay, we'll make a chart when we get home.

I think you should pay me $1 or $5 or $10.

A week?

No, a day.

Yeah. Well. I'll pay you $5 for a whole weeks worth of chores - IF you do them ALL. We'll put a check by your name when you do them.

Ainsley's Chores, $5 Week. 
Kitchen Table (7)
Dusting (1)
Windex (1)
Clean Z's Room (3)
My Bathroom (1)
Pick up Stuff (7)

Visit Casual Keystrokes for fancy Chore Chart instructions.

by Tracee Sioux

When considering things that go into raising a confident, strong daughter having the benefit of a great dad ranks right up there.

As I watched my husband twirl Ainsley around a dance floor Friday night - and even flip her around just like her Dancing With the Stars fantasy - I thought, She's so lucky to have an exceptionally good dad.

Ainsley was an only child for 4 years and he never shied away from the traditionally "boy things" with her. Now that she has a brother, he does these things with both of them.

He wrestles with her nearly every day. He took her to Yankees and Mets games when we lived in NYC. He watched sports with her on TV. He takes her golfing with him. He supports her participation in athletics like soccer, t-ball and karate.

At the same time he always responds positively when she fishes for compliments about her beauty and fashion sense.

He will expect her to go to college and he will expect her to get good grades. He will expect her to expand her intellect over her appearance.

He never tells her she can't accomplish anything because she is a girl.

He does dishes and helps cleans up around the house. He's such a good example for what she can and should expect from a husband in her future.

He is gentle and loving with our son as well. Secure enough in his own masculinity to allow Zack to wear Mommy's red pumps, carry his money around in his sister's purse, or cuddle with a baby doll, without hysteria about turning him gay.

He prays with both kids most nights, teaching them how to access God and gives them a spiritual foundation.

He's home with us most nights and weekends, so regularly that Ainsley almost experiences his occasional working late as a rejection or trauma. I miss Daddy, she'll cry if he has to work late several days in a row. Often he'll come home for the evening and return to work once they've gone to bed.

He is patient and firm, in a way I can't seem to manage. They never question his authority, which makes me jealous and a little mad because it seems her hobby is to question mine.

I have very rarely seen him lose his cool, while I lose mine semi-regularly (see above paragraph for a simple explanation).

He grounds us.

I have never once seen him raise his hand to her or speak an insulting or belittling word to her.

Happy Father's Day, Honey. The kids and I nominate you Father of the Year.

EIGHT hours later we emerged with a giant garbage bag full of trash - kindergarten papers, church papers, artwork, broken toys, mucked up play makeup, pieces of jewelry, rocks and sea shells.

We also had a giant bag of clothes - clothes she's grown out of, pants that show her panties when she sits, and the ones she thinks are too ugly to wear.

She can now close her drawers and she'll be able to find her stuff for about a week.

In 6 months we'll go excavate again.

I wish the church would stop handing out loads of paper every time we walk through the door. She never looks at it again, but feels emotionally attached to it.

It wouldn't have taken so long if she hadn't gone through every single paper to remark, This was some of my best coloring." She was emotionally attached to every piece of scrap paper she ever scribbled on.

We can't keep everything Ainsley. If we want new things, we have to make room for them by getting rid of old things. (Said the mother who keeps more than one ugly sweater, lots of old notebooks, parts to who knows what, and pants that don't fit "just in case.)"

by Tracee Sioux

I'm on a bus with other political activists going to the Texas Democratic Convention in Austin. I'll be blogging from there. I won't go home until Sunday. A whole weekend when I can set aside my role as Mommy.

It's a Daddy Weekend. The kids will hang out with Daddy. He'll do things his way.

No, I did not cook them meals for 3 days. My man knows how to use a stove and a microwave and even my two-year-old can scavenge for an apple or cup of yogurt when he is hungry.

No, I am not the least bit nervous about leaving them. He's their father, not an axe murderer. He will get them to bed, feed them food, put clothes on them. He's perfectly competent.

No, I did not leave instructions. He can figure out how to manage our two children as well as, or sometimes better than I can.

Yes, the house will be likely clean when I return. It might be cleaner than I left it, in my mad rush to pack and not forget anything. If it's not, well my house usually pretty messy by Monday.

Yes, I think he invited his friends over to play cards, watch football and drink beer. I'm not sad about missing that party.

No, I don't feel guilty. Why should I? Being all Mommy all the time makes me feel disconnected from myself. I need to hear myself think without having someone demand a drink of me. The physical liberation I feel from not carrying around a 32 pound baby is startling. I feel more competent and confident when I feel like I have some power outside my own house.

Yes, I leave my children several times a year. Even if it's only overnight.

Yes, I always come back a better mother because I've filled my own cup, if you will. My soul will be refreshed, I'll have more confidence, I'll feel more competent, I'll be happier. I'll have more patience and energy as a mother.

Yes, the kids miss me. But, they also get a lot out of their Daddy Time. They feel a deeper connection and bonding with Daddy. It's healthy.

By Tracee Sioux

Girls suck at math and boys can't read.

Studies prove there is a gender gap in reading and math. But a new study tells us it's not a biological fact, but one of social conditioning based in gender inequality.

This matters because we have limited control over biological factors, but we can seriously effect our childrens' social conditioning.

The Organization for Economic Co-Operation and Development conducted a Programme for Internatinal Student Assessment (PISA) performance study of 400,000 15 year olds in math, science, reading, and problem solving. Their main intent was to discover science aptitude, which we discussed here on So Sioux Me yesterday.

The most significant part of the findings for me was that girls are performing on par with boys, but experience much lower confidence in their science abilities to male counterparts. As a parent that encourages me to build confidence in the scientific area.

In the areas of reading and math however, boys and girls had significantly different scores.

Girls Suck at Math

However, the study indicates a sociological disparity in math scores as opposed to a genetic one.

The gap between how girls and boys performed in math was less in countries with high scores in gender equality, like Sweden. In countries where gender inequality is significant, such as Korea, the gap between girls scores and boys scores was more extreme.

The more gender equity we achieve, the better our girls do at math.

Peggy from Women in Science explored the implications of the math gender gap.

There is also an article in Arse Technica about the math gap.

An article in The Boston Globe says Girls Don't Want to Do Science.

Girls don't want to do science though they're capable? The article says it's because girls like people and boys like things.

Perhaps this is because girls receive toys as babies that encourage their interaction with people and their focus is almost entirely on seeking the approval of people through beauty and dress and manners. Gifts to my daughter before even turing two were books about relationships and dress up clothes, and household caretaking items like kitchens.

While boys are exclusively given action toys like tools and cars and trucks and actively forbidden interaction with relationship toys like dolls and play kitchens?

By the time they turn two the gender scripting is complete, unless parents actively challenge gender roles.

Boys Can't Read

We should note, however, gender differences in mathematics were less than one-third as large as for reading, 11 points on average across OECD countries. This statistic hasn't changed since the study was performed in 2003.

Perhaps it's safe to assume that since the women's movement and the focus on gender equity in education that girls are making significant strides in math, but we're not doing so hot in engaging boys in language.

Our gender expectations from the second a child is born explains both gender gaps for me.

Last week, on Blog Fabulous, I wrote about the unenlightened idea that we disallow care-taking and nurturing behaviors by forbidding boys to play with dolls. Thus creating emotionally unattached and unempathetic husbands and fathers for future generations of women and children.

I would take that argument a step further and say we're disallowing boys full access to language.

How can we expect them to be great readers when we have a minefield of rules regarding how we allow them to express their feelings using their language skills?

Much of reading is about empathy and compassion regarding characters, yet we disallow outward learning activities - like playing with dolls - that teach compassion and empathy in boys. We forbid expression of such "feminine feelings" of sadness or affection even.

No wonder they are disconnected from the reading experience.

My hypothesis is that when we allow boys the same emotional and relationship vocabulary as we allow girls we're going to see boys engage in reading on par with their sisters.

School's out. Summer is official and our routine has to shift. I have to look deep inside and find Fun Mommy.

Dear Friends and Family,

I know you love Ainsley and so I sold your names, addresses, email addresses, phone and cell numbers to solicitors for a school fund raiser.

They gave the school 50 cents for each family member or friend I sold out.

Gotta support our schools. I knew you'd understand.

Love, Tracee

(I'm only kidding. I would never, ever do this to you and you better not do it to me.)

Hi Mom. Don't you want to buy some Dollar Store crap for $15 for Ainsley's school? They'll give Ainsley a 25 cent pencil if you buy $50 worth.

Mom, can I feed a real tiger and get my picture made, it's a fund raiser for school?

How much?

$18.

No.

waaaa waaaa waaa! I WANT TO FEED THE BABY TIGER WITH A BOTTLE!

Daddy will photoshop one for you. (see above pic)

Please can't we buy the cereal with a Box Top?

Ainsley, I'm not changing cereal for Box Tops.

I have to bring the paper back by Thursday with 10 Box Tops on it.

I'll paper clip $1 to the note.

No, that's cheating! You have to put Box Tops on it or they won't give me a prize!

Grandma don't you want to pay $5 more for the Family Home Journal. It's a fundraiser for Ainsley's school.

No.

Dear Primary School: Thanks for all the family harmony over the fundraisers this year. It's been real.