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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Model Marriage


One thing I know for sure - your daughter will find it much easier to have a healthy marriage if you and your spouse are modeling a healthy marriage. Same principle applies to sons.

Of course, marriage is the most misadvertised institution on earth.

Turns out it's a lot harder than it looks. Riding off into the sunset for happily ever after is more like 50 years of sometimes painful compromise.

My husband and I are participating in a healthy marriage program. We're fostering a social once a month at our church and we made this commercial to generate interest and try to get people to make their own marriages a priority.

It's one of the most empowering things we do for our children.

Are you doing anything special to foster a healthy marriage or to model healthy marriage for your daughters (and sons)?

6 comments:

Tracee said...

Ashley sent this via email cause her job as a blog firewall - losers.

Having sons, sometimes I feel hypersensitive about who they see doing housework. I enjoy doing domestic stuff for them - and for my husband..I enjoy cooking for them, and doing their laundry - but at the same time I feel strongly that they must see him doing housework also. We both do housework and work-work, and work in the yard. I've also been on a rant here lately about the way he talks to me. (Some of this is my fault - I'm trying to have more respectful tone to him too, but I'm especially aware of how he talks to me around them because that's what they will model later) I don't want them hearing him talking hateful or dismissive to me, or blowing off what I say. At the same time, I don't want them to see us fight over chores - I dont want them thinking it's something the 'loser' has to do and later (with a wife) strategizing how to get out of it.

I couldn't agree more that the most important thing you can teach them is how to have healthy relationships - my husband and I feel we didn't get that from our families and we've spent a lot of time discussing what we don't want to repeat for our children. We both had positive examples from Grandparents' houses that we try to bring to the table though.

And you're so right about marriage. I don't wish I hadn't gotten married..but we need to brace kids for it, we need to be honest w/ out being negative. It's not the end of a journey, it's not the last leg..everything leading up to it was only the preparation. It's like applying to many, many jobs and then getting one and being shocked because noone ever mentioned we'd actually have to work at one of those jobs you know? Why do we leave that part out?

Rebecca said...

My husband and I are definitely modeling a good thing I think in regard to housework and marriage. I do not enjoy housework or cooking whatsoever. Luckily my husband enjoys cooking. Working together, we can both clean the entire house in a few hours. We divy up tasks.

We take turns taking care of the baby. Bret feeds the baby in the morning, fixes all the bottles for daycare and drops the baby off. I pick up. I think if I were doing all of the caretaking I would be very resentful. If I weren't working though I think I would have a different perspective.

Audrey Borden said...

We try our best to model a healthy marriage. My girls never see one parent busting butt over house work. We just came about it naturally. When I decide to get up and clean house, my husband does. We're uncomfortable seeing each other work too hard. Teamwork works best and is more efficient. We didn't decide this as a couple, it just happened that way. We are friends and anytime one is doing too much, it's less time to be with each other.

I feel happy that when our girls go to bed at night, they hear us laughing instead of arguing. We work hard to keep a friendship. It's not just luck,it's deliberate decision making each day to live that way.

When the girls were little he was there on night shift when they got up. Why? Payout was that they went back to sleep faster when he showed up. Then soon they were sleeping through the night. They love him, but he wasn't as exciting to manipulate as mommy.

The girls see us as subject matter experts in different areas. If there's a boo boo, go to daddy. He used to be a Navy Corpsman and knows what to do. If it's homework or a friend issue, go to mommy.

He's not the "typical guy" and I'm sure as heck not a "typical woman". I think this is a big factor. Also family first, not job or money, or anything beyond our means.

Tracee said...

Jeremy shares housework, etc.

But, we have a harder time modeling conflict resolution. Also we have a difficult time getting time together, like going out on dates and stuff.

Martha Beck says there's no such things as too many Chiefs - I wish she'd tell that to my husband. I want to be chief. He wants to be chief. Sometimes that creates conflict.

Audrey said...

Time together as adults is so helpful and is a miracle worker in the relationship. Our situation is rare. We have date night typically once a week. Sometimes we just go out for a walk, sometimes we're dancing till 3am. My parents are near by so they watch our girls. Really a blessing.

We don't have a lot of conflict because we have that time together. I think that really does the trick. Our kids like the whole idea of mommy and daddy on a date. When we argue, it doesn't last long and we get over it so quickly. Not worth it to either of us to put a damper on date night. I'm glad when we do argue! The kids can't think life is so perfect between husband and wife. What we have is rare, but that would set expectations too high.

Other than that. We just try to not criticize each other, complain about each other, we try to see things from the other person's point of view. Ask questions instead of giving orders or demands. All some of Dale Carnegie famous principles to build relationships and gain the willing cooperation of others.

Works at home and in business. For those that read the Bible, they're biblical really.

Seriously...date night at least two times a month. A valuable use of time and financial resources for baby sitting. High return on investment. Even if it's just coffee and desert somewhere other than home.

Tracee said...

you and your husband sound like you'd be great marriage mentors. Really awesome ones. It wouldn't be so rare if you taught it to other couples. That's what Jeremy and I are becoming - marriage mentors. To help couples gain conflict resolution skills, etc.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Model Marriage


One thing I know for sure - your daughter will find it much easier to have a healthy marriage if you and your spouse are modeling a healthy marriage. Same principle applies to sons.

Of course, marriage is the most misadvertised institution on earth.

Turns out it's a lot harder than it looks. Riding off into the sunset for happily ever after is more like 50 years of sometimes painful compromise.

My husband and I are participating in a healthy marriage program. We're fostering a social once a month at our church and we made this commercial to generate interest and try to get people to make their own marriages a priority.

It's one of the most empowering things we do for our children.

Are you doing anything special to foster a healthy marriage or to model healthy marriage for your daughters (and sons)?

6 comments:

Tracee said...

Ashley sent this via email cause her job as a blog firewall - losers.

Having sons, sometimes I feel hypersensitive about who they see doing housework. I enjoy doing domestic stuff for them - and for my husband..I enjoy cooking for them, and doing their laundry - but at the same time I feel strongly that they must see him doing housework also. We both do housework and work-work, and work in the yard. I've also been on a rant here lately about the way he talks to me. (Some of this is my fault - I'm trying to have more respectful tone to him too, but I'm especially aware of how he talks to me around them because that's what they will model later) I don't want them hearing him talking hateful or dismissive to me, or blowing off what I say. At the same time, I don't want them to see us fight over chores - I dont want them thinking it's something the 'loser' has to do and later (with a wife) strategizing how to get out of it.

I couldn't agree more that the most important thing you can teach them is how to have healthy relationships - my husband and I feel we didn't get that from our families and we've spent a lot of time discussing what we don't want to repeat for our children. We both had positive examples from Grandparents' houses that we try to bring to the table though.

And you're so right about marriage. I don't wish I hadn't gotten married..but we need to brace kids for it, we need to be honest w/ out being negative. It's not the end of a journey, it's not the last leg..everything leading up to it was only the preparation. It's like applying to many, many jobs and then getting one and being shocked because noone ever mentioned we'd actually have to work at one of those jobs you know? Why do we leave that part out?

Rebecca said...

My husband and I are definitely modeling a good thing I think in regard to housework and marriage. I do not enjoy housework or cooking whatsoever. Luckily my husband enjoys cooking. Working together, we can both clean the entire house in a few hours. We divy up tasks.

We take turns taking care of the baby. Bret feeds the baby in the morning, fixes all the bottles for daycare and drops the baby off. I pick up. I think if I were doing all of the caretaking I would be very resentful. If I weren't working though I think I would have a different perspective.

Audrey Borden said...

We try our best to model a healthy marriage. My girls never see one parent busting butt over house work. We just came about it naturally. When I decide to get up and clean house, my husband does. We're uncomfortable seeing each other work too hard. Teamwork works best and is more efficient. We didn't decide this as a couple, it just happened that way. We are friends and anytime one is doing too much, it's less time to be with each other.

I feel happy that when our girls go to bed at night, they hear us laughing instead of arguing. We work hard to keep a friendship. It's not just luck,it's deliberate decision making each day to live that way.

When the girls were little he was there on night shift when they got up. Why? Payout was that they went back to sleep faster when he showed up. Then soon they were sleeping through the night. They love him, but he wasn't as exciting to manipulate as mommy.

The girls see us as subject matter experts in different areas. If there's a boo boo, go to daddy. He used to be a Navy Corpsman and knows what to do. If it's homework or a friend issue, go to mommy.

He's not the "typical guy" and I'm sure as heck not a "typical woman". I think this is a big factor. Also family first, not job or money, or anything beyond our means.

Tracee said...

Jeremy shares housework, etc.

But, we have a harder time modeling conflict resolution. Also we have a difficult time getting time together, like going out on dates and stuff.

Martha Beck says there's no such things as too many Chiefs - I wish she'd tell that to my husband. I want to be chief. He wants to be chief. Sometimes that creates conflict.

Audrey said...

Time together as adults is so helpful and is a miracle worker in the relationship. Our situation is rare. We have date night typically once a week. Sometimes we just go out for a walk, sometimes we're dancing till 3am. My parents are near by so they watch our girls. Really a blessing.

We don't have a lot of conflict because we have that time together. I think that really does the trick. Our kids like the whole idea of mommy and daddy on a date. When we argue, it doesn't last long and we get over it so quickly. Not worth it to either of us to put a damper on date night. I'm glad when we do argue! The kids can't think life is so perfect between husband and wife. What we have is rare, but that would set expectations too high.

Other than that. We just try to not criticize each other, complain about each other, we try to see things from the other person's point of view. Ask questions instead of giving orders or demands. All some of Dale Carnegie famous principles to build relationships and gain the willing cooperation of others.

Works at home and in business. For those that read the Bible, they're biblical really.

Seriously...date night at least two times a month. A valuable use of time and financial resources for baby sitting. High return on investment. Even if it's just coffee and desert somewhere other than home.

Tracee said...

you and your husband sound like you'd be great marriage mentors. Really awesome ones. It wouldn't be so rare if you taught it to other couples. That's what Jeremy and I are becoming - marriage mentors. To help couples gain conflict resolution skills, etc.