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Thursday, July 31, 2008

YOU: In First Magaazine

First Magazine is looking for women who want to share body confidence stories.

One of the stories is about a gift that helped boost a woman's body confidence.

The other is about a family tradition that help's a woman feel good about her body.

The women who are featured in these stories will be professionally styled and photographed and also interviewed via phone and email.

All responses can be emailed to Helen Matatov at
HMatatov@bauerpublishing.com by Monday, August 4th.

Empowering Girls: Marketing Boundaries

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Marketers are intentionally exploiting the vulnerabilities of our children. It's unacceptable. It's 100% within our rights and lies within our responsibility as citizens, as parents and as consumers to set some boundaries on marketing to kids.


* Directly marketing unhealthy food is a direct cause of childhood obesity, according to the Federal Trade Commission.


* Directly marketing credit cards by allowing credit corporations to write the curriculum or put their logo on high school signage or playgrounds or put product placement in their play cash registers is directly effecting kid's knowledge of money and credit negatively.


* Directly marketing to young girls in a beauty-obsessed way and using sexualized images of young girls in marketing and advertising sexualizes girls. It makes them believe it's okay to be consumed.


The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood is making this a bi-partisan election issue.


Our campaign to get Democratic and Republican platform planks to protect children from marketers is gathering momentum. Last week, we met with the Democratic Party's National Platform Director and CCFC members around the country attended local platform meetings to advocate for a platform plank on the commercialization of childhood. This week, we need your help to demonstrate the broad support for these planks by signing petitions to the Democratic and Republican Platform Committees.


Sign the petition to the Republicans.


Sign the petition to the Democrats.


Sign both petitions and let whoever wins know they will be held accountable to you and your kids.


Forward this to your friends so they can take political action to protect our kids from direct marketing.


Why should you care?

Read more about exploitive credit tactics in, I Saw Satan on TV (and he's a little dork)

APA Sexualization of Girls Devastating

Read more about Precocious Puberty, which many experts say is food related both in the way of pesticides, hormones and obesity.

Watch a short film about how we're both allowing marketers to consume our kids and teaching them to be insatiable hyper-consumers at Consuming Kids.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Keira Knightly Stands Up For Her Girls & Yours

7677E71D-523D-4AF9-BA99-0A491B5D8281.jpgKeira Knightly is taking a stand against digitally enhancing her breasts for her upcoming movie, "The Dutchess."


When she stands up and declares herself "good enough" as she is, she stands up and declares our daughters "good enough" as they are.


Every actress who resists media pressure to conform to the beauty ideal does all girls and women a favor.


"She has insisted that her figure stay in its natural state," an insider said. "She is proud of her body and doesn't want it altered."This according to the Daily Mail via The Huffington Post.


Bravo Keira! You are good enough!


Photo Source: The Huffington Post, photos of before and after digital alteration for "King Arthur."

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Empowering Girls: Printables4Kids

Mom, I'm bored! Been hearing that lately?

Stop by Printables4kids and print them some activity pages as the summer lingers.

Empowering Girls: Tanning

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Mom can I tan?

Wait, what? What do you mean by tan?

Tan. Lay out in the sun to make my skin darker.

You're 6!

So? Stephanie and her sisters do it.

(Damn, older cheerleader sisters,) I think to myself.

Look. At. My. Face. Right. Now. Do you see those brown spots on my forehead and those speckles on my cheeks? That is sun damage. Laying out will ruin your beautiful skin, which is the perfect color as it is. Laying out also causes cancer. You can die from cancer.

So, no?

So, yes. You can lay out in the sun to relax by the pool, but you better have broad spectrum SPF 50 sunscreen on when you do it.

Tanning is one of my biggest regrets as I have spent far too much time and money trying to correct and hide the melasma, brown spots, on my face that resulted.

Is there a parenting phenomenon where our deepest and biggest regrets surface again in our children? Would that be Parenting Karma or God presenting an opportunity to us to resolve our past or correct our mistakes? And is this phenomenon on fast forward?

Anyone else notice this type of phenomenon?

Read more about melasma and sun damage here: Can a Leapord Change Her Spots?

Monday, July 28, 2008

You're Amazing! Giveaway

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It's Bloggy Giveaway time. Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me has joined together with author Claire Mysko and Girls Inc. to giveaway one copy of Girls Inc. Presents: You're Amazing!: A No-Pressure Guide to Being Your Best Self

You're Amazing! is based on the Girls Inc. "Supergirl Dilemma" study and the activities in the book are inspired by Girls Inc. programs.

The format is teen-friendly with quizzes, checklists, instant message assignments, turn-it-around-tactics, surveys and political action steps.

To win a copy of You're Amazing! leave a comment WITH YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS. (I've run several contests where the winner left no contact information and never came back to claim their prize.)

Contest ends Sunday, August 3 at midnight Central. I'll post the winner Monday morning, who will have 5 days to claim their prize before I give it to someone else.

Empowering Girls: Costuming

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Mom, can we wear our matching Chinese outfits to the Chinese Restaurant?

Yes.

On a very basic and fundamental level childhood should be F-U-N.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Self-Loathing Sin Bank

Vacation Rerun



by Tracee Sioux

I am going to put a self-loathing sin piggy-bank (pardon the pun) on my kitchen table.

Naomi Wolf has a great quote which is taped on my bathroom mirror, "The mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem."

I accept this as a self-evident truth. In psychology circles I think they call it "mirroring" when our children look at us as a sort of reflection of themselves. A practical example would be, "my mother thinks she's fat, therefore I too am fat." A mother who is not actually fat, but repeatedly calls herself fat must then bear the responsibility when her daughter adopts an eating disorder like anorexia, bulimia or overeating.
More posts on Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty
Beauty & Reality
Self-Loathing Sin Bank
More posts on hair:
Pink Hair Fiasco
Pink Hair Fiasco Take 2
Curl Maintenance
The Meaning of Hair

The child's perception of herself is obviously flawed using this mirroring if she looks at her thin body in the mirror and sees fat. And it breaks any mother's heart when she sees her child look at her own beautiful self with disdain, criticism or self-loathing. I think God put in us an inherent ability to see goodness and beauty in our children, whether or not they are actually beautiful.

However, I believe the function of mirroring can be done reversely with what is sometimes painful accuracy. I think when my daughter looks at her legs and says, "my legs are fat" she's telling me in a very loud voice that this is a true reflection of how she thinks I feel about my own body image.

When I had my first baby I never lost the weight because I figured I would just have to lose it after the second one. On the second one I was in my 30s and my metabolism had slowed down and I was nearing the dreaded 200 pound mark. When I realized I was going to hit 200 in a couple of months and the doctor had me on a heart monitor because of dizzy spells I decided I had to make a complete and total lifestyle change. (My heart, it turns out is just fine.) The whole family was getting chubby and I decided we had to eat healthier and get more active rather than living the lifestyle of a Kobe calf (Tajima-ushi cattle reportedly receive regular massages with Japanese rice wine and are fed hops for a well-marbled texture and tenderness).

The weight is coming off at a slow and steady rate and the muscle is bulking up and I've never felt better. This is obviously a great example to my daughter, who is now 5 and, according to her pediatrician, in the "red zone" for her BMI (body mass index).

Except for one thing. The thinner I get, the more she seems to be focusing on her own perceived flaws. The other day she said she hated her legs because they were fat.

OUCH!! Like a knife in the gut I realized that I talk about my body in a negative way to motivate myself to get to the gym. Not only that, but I use self-deprecating humor to make people laugh and to illustrate that I have the ability to laugh at myself.

When speaking directly to her I use all the healthy phrases like suggesting she eat a healthy snack. Or explain that we're eating vegetables and fish for dinner because it's a healthier choice. Directly to her I am proactive about explaining that we're off to the gym so that I can be stronger and have a healthier heart.

But to others. . . .

She has heard me call myself Kobe Beef. (Yes, I'm a fan of the esoteric references to amuse myself.) She has also heard me complain about buying the "largest girdle underwear they make, only to find out it was too small." I have bragged about going down in pants sizes, "it's taken me 8 freaking months to make it down to a size 12." I have touted the fact that I have lost "20 pounds of pure fat." I have complained about how I simply can't find shirts long enough to cover my stomach, "which wouldn't be so bad if I weren't so fat and no one needs to see blubber hanging out of my clothes." I have touted my measurements, "losing 15 inches of ugly fat, back fat, flabby boob fat, thigh fat, belly fat." She's has heard me complain about my clothes that make me "look like a total cow." I have complained that it's going to take me "40 more weeks to get rid of my fat at the rate of a pound a week." She's heard me say how surprised I am that "my neck even lost an inch of fat allowing me to wear my pearl choker again."

The thing is, I don't loath my self or my body. I wasn't even aware of how fat I was until I started seeing positive changes in my body. I still dream of myself as thin. I still think of myself as "the thin cute blond" one when I'm with my girlfriends. I have been blind to my own fat. Heck, I'm fairly sure my daughter was blind to my fat. I don't look in the mirror and hate what I see, because I don't even see what's really there - I literally look in the mirror and see myself as I was in college.

Yet, I realize that my daughter can't determine the difference between how I feel about my body and what I say about my body. To her, she will only internalize that I say I feel fat and that I say I hate my body. She only hears me criticize my looks, my self. And that is what is inevitably effecting how she will see herself for the rest of her life.

It's tragic really. It breaks my heart. It feels like damage that can't be reversed. It makes me loath myself.

My vow is to change this negative behavior. It is not worth a few laughs for the self-deprecating humor. I feel I have to hold myself accountable to her for this behavior so that she is explicitly aware that it is not okay for me to be unkind to myself, and therefore I can expect her to show her own self the kindness I want for her.

So, I'm going to put a self-loathing sin beauty bank on the kitchen table and deposit say, a quarter (hey, we're on a strict budget around here) for every self-deprecating, self-loathing remark I make about my body or my self. I will ask her to catch me calling myself unkind names. I will require her to deposit the same when she makes negative comments about herself.

To avoid making it another exercise in self-loathing (I suck so bad, I can't believe I said I'm fat again, I'm such an idiot!) it will be a requirement to write a positive attribute about our bodies to put in the bank along with the quarters. Then after a month we'll take the jar of good thoughts and our quarters and we'll go out for Chinese food and talk about our progress and how much we love our own bodies.

Alarming statistics from Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty Study
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/

* 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner. (Collins, 1991)
* 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat. (Mellin et al., 1991)
* The average American woman is 5'4" tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5'11" tall and weighs 117 pounds. Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women. (Smolak, 1996)

*51% of 9 and 10 year old girls feel better about themselves if they are on a diet. (Mellin et al.,1991)
* 91% of women recently surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting, 91% dieted "often" or "always." (Kurth et al., 1995)
* 95% of all dieters will regain their lost weight in 1-5 years. (Grodstein, 1996)
* 35% of "normal dieters" progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20-25% progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders. (Shisslak & Crago, 1995)
* 25% of American men and 45% of American women are on a diet on any given day. (Smolak, 1996)
* Americans spend over $40 billion on dieting and diet-related products each year. (Smolak, 1996)

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/DoveBeyondStereotypesWhitePaper.pdf

I've entered this article in Babylune's writing contest about parenting mistakes and lessons learned. Follow the link to enter one of your own.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Empowering Girls: Ho'oponopono for Girl Fights

Vacation Rerun

by Tracee Sioux

The only resolution (that I've come up with) for girl-fighting is to teach them Ho'oponopono, the theory that anything can be resolved by practicing I'm sorry, I forgive you, I love you.

Girls are . . . .

Well, if you've got one - then you know how they are together. Complicated and hyper-sensitive.

I think someone hit the fast-forward button on their development and now the mean-girl behavior starts even earlier and escalates faster than before.

I hate to glamorize the '70s and '80s but running wild in the neighborhood totally rocked and was the epitome of childhood bliss.

Our previous neighborhood was quite simply depressing - the only reason I knew other children lived there was because the school bus stopped in front of other houses. Otherwise I didn't see a child in the 3 years we lived on that block.

When we moved to a new neighborhood I prayed we'd go to one where the children still play outside with each other and that Ainsley would have lots of friends her age to to play with.

Be careful what you wish for - she got 4 or 5 girls about her age and one has sisters a few years older. Which seemed fabulous until the girl-fighting began. This took about a week.

Mom, Olivia isn't allowed to play with Makinzie because she called her a fat B!

I'm thinking, What happened to dummy or big stupid head?

We've skipped right over normal name calling and moved to fat bitch awfully quickly.

It's simple to identify mean-girl behavior. It's quite another thing to resolve it and prevent it from happening again and again.

Without being critical of the other parents, after both mothers sought me out and I listened to their crazy stories in which the mothers and fathers resorted to mean-girl behavior themselves. Both took "your not allowed to play with her anymore" stances and at one point the fathers even nearly came to blows. Their crucial mistake was believing their own daughters were more innocent than the other girl.

Are you kidding me?

Girls are, like I said, complicated and hyper-sensitive. And the worst thing you can do, I've recently discovered, is try to figure out who is right and who is wrong in a girl-fight.

I've declared my own house neutral territory where all the girls can play. After listening to their stories for a few weeks and trying different methods I think I've hit on a pretty good reaction to girl-fighting in Ho'oponopono.

Assume everyone is wrong. Assume they all played a part in getting to the argument. This way, no one "gets away" with anything. Believe that the self-righteous smirk is as painful as the verbal slander. Believe your own daughter has a capacity for mean girl behavior. It's really not all the other girls.

Make them both/all repeat these words every time they argue or hurt each other's feelings:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I forgive you. I forgive you.

I love you. I love you.

Now go play. And try to get along for 15 whole minutes this time.

What happens when parents and educators overlook this "girl culture" problem? It's escalating into real physical violence in junior high and high schools at a rate outnumbering boys' fist fights. Read more in Girl Fight.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Empowering Girls: Reunited

Another reason to leave your kids every once in a while - if you don't you'll miss the moment of reuniting. This is a pretty good moment.

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Monday, July 21, 2008

Go Bratz Go!

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Vacation Rerun from May 2007

by Tracee Sioux

I signed my daughter up for indoor soccer this season. The coach called me to invite me to a meeting of the parents and girls to determine the team colors and discuss when and where practices would be. As an after-thought she mentioned the team's new name would be

The Bratz.

What?

Bratz, you know like the dolls.

Are you kidding?

Well, no, it's called The Bratz.

Do we have to call them the brats?

Well, we have to have a name.

Well, can't we pick something positive? I would prefer about any other name than the Bratz. I mean, do we want to be yelling to our preschoolers, "Go Brats Go, be the best little brats you can be? I mean, I don't even let my daughter play with those Bratz dolls and I certainly don't want to encourage her to act like a brat or be a brat.

Well, no one else has looked at it like that, we can discuss it at the meeting and talk to the commissioner about changing the name.

Okay, so I was a little apprehensive about going to the meeting yesterday. I even thought it might be easier to not let my daughter play soccer than face that poor coach who got an ear full of my anti-Bratz propaganda.

Really, I was concerned that this fellow mother would hate me for making such a big deal about this. I was also more than a little worried that I would handle the situation very poorly and look hysterical and crazy because they wanted to brand my daughter a brat. Then who would look like a brat? Me. And all the other parents would band against me and decide that I was just the trouble-maker who wouldn't let anyone have any fun at all.

So, I go up to this strikingly beautiful woman at the meeting and introduce myself and the baby. Of course, hoping that the cute, fat baby would endear me to her. I even start up a banal conversation about whether or not she has to wear heals to work. Stupid and awkward.

The meeting starts and she says, Okay, who here objects to the name Bratz?

I alone raised my hand high. Everyone looks around and I feel like caving to avoid this confrontation with every other parent on the team."

Look, I said. I'm very uncomfortable with this name because I don't think we should be yelling Go Brats Go, Be the best little brat you can be. Brats Rule. I try all week long to NOT encourage my daughter to be a brat. I don't want her to act like those dolls and I don't let her dress like those dolls and I don't even let her play with the dolls. I'm just very uncomfortable with the name.

I was so grateful that I avoided saying they looked like whores who grew out of their clothes, which is what I usually say about those attrocious little beasts. And I didn't get into the symbolism of why their heads are so freakishly large - to fit their self-absorbed massive egos inside. Little battles for maturity inside myself.

Several people had warned me that I had better come up with a better name to subs awkward with parents trying to think up a better name - I suggested Kickers but it wasn't cute enough. Someone suggested the Shortcakes, and I was agreeable. Then I suggested the Pink Panthers, but then it looked like there were several other teams with pink shirts and so we thought we should go with purple.

Every now and then some parent would glare at me and say, Are you sure you don't like the name Bratz?

And I would shrug and say, yeah, I just don't think that's a great name for our girls.

A few parents wanted to point out that they don't let their daughters wear the make-up or dress like that - they're "just dolls."

But, I guess that's my problem, I don't think they are just dolls. I think they're a negative message about who the girls should emulate.

In the end we settled, quite unenthusiastically on Butterflies.

Okay, nothing great about that, but nothing horrible about it either. Butterflies are nice, they embrace change and they are pretty and all the little four- and five-year-olds like butterflies.

Of course, the girls weren't as enthusiastic about butterflies as they had been about The Bratz. But, then I figure the girls are enthusiastic about what Matel, or in this case MGA Entertainment markets to them, which doesn't necessarily make it a good thing.

I did volunteer to arrange all the snacks for the season and we'll see if the other parents will hold a grudge or cooperate with my efforts.

I have to give props to the coach however. She was very nice when I went up and thanked her for volunteering to change the name. After all I am only one parent and they could have just shunned me. Hopefully the season will be a good experience for my daughter.

I do feel triumphant, if a little embarrassed, for standing up for what I believe even though it's hugely unpopular and I want my daughter to learn to do that.

Of course, later the Soccer Commission overrode our decision and guess what I did? Read No Bratz No! Tantrum or Go with the Flow?

Read the outcome at Happy Feet Beats Bratz

And you should watch this hilarious YouTube film, Slutz, Bratz Parody, which is so not appropriate for children - but then neither are those dolls.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Mirrors: Ours, The Media’s, Our Cultures’ and Our Kids’

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So I had my big BlogHer08 speaking panel, Mirrors: Ours, The Media’s, Our Cultures’ and Our Kids’ speaking panel yesterday and it was a rush.

The panelists were Laurie Toby Edison of Body Impolitic, Tracee Sioux of Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me, Kelly Wickham of Mocha Momma, and Glennia Campbell of The Silent I (also Mom-o-crats and Kimchi Mamas).

Laurie Toby published the transcript on her blog and I'd love if you would hop over and read it. I think it went really, really well.

Tracee: I write about empowering girls, specifically daughters. How girls internalize the media and what we as parents can do to give them tools to fight that. Daughters inherit our emotions about our bodies. So many women self-deprecate for humor; I used to do it all the time. When my 4-year-old said “I hate my fat thighs,” I said “What have I done?” Women use this to bond–I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect. I was joking, but my daughter couldn’t tell it was a joke. Daughters feel that when you criticize yourself you’re criticizing their DNA.

Truly, I had the best time. It was so encouraging to see how many women are thinking about the complex world our daughters live in and how best to approach the building/moulding of their selves.

Empowering Girls: Princess Bubble Review

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Princess Bubble by Susan Johnston & Kimberly Webb is the antidote to the Disney Princess Culture.

It's got all the "pretty" little girls want with the crowns and flouncy dresses and the gobs of bubble gum pink and castles and lavish parties. It's full of the exaggerated femininity little girls crave, but balanced with more modern-day images of her in jeans, at the gym, going to work, driving a car and doing yoga.

The illustrator, Maria Tonelli really outdid herself with the perfect amount of bling and gaudy and mixing artistic elements of yesterday and today.

Ainsley loves this book. Her favorite part is "all of it."

My favorite part is that Princess Bubble is happy and empowered with or without a prince.

Princess Bubble has a career with an airline and travels the world and has lots of great friends and family.

The Queen tells her she needs to get married to live happily ever after.

All her princess history books tell her she needs a prince to live happily ever after.

She stands up to social pressure when all her friends have their bridal showers and engagement parties and begin to marry off.

She dates princes (that's right, plural), a good boy from the Charming family and the Right family's young Mr. (Isn't that so clever?)

She signs up for www.FindYourPrince.com. (How very new millennium!)

Ms. Bubble realizes her circumstances in the 22nd Century are different than Princess's past. She doesn't live in a dungeon, or under the sea, or work for an evil step-mother. Instead, she has a great career, money of her own, lots of friends, a great family and she's already happy.

When Princess Bubble's Fairy Godmother appears she has this empowering message to give "Living happily ever after is not about finding a prince. True happiness is found by loving God, being kind to others and being comfortable with who you already are!"

If you've ever complained about the gift selections available for girls put this book at the top of your list of empowering possibilities.

Certainly, Ainsley would love to get it and parents would be hard pressed to find fault with it.

Kudos to the women who wrote it - I hope they make a Kagillion dollars on the t-shirts, costumes, posters, back packs, party supplies, room decor, tennis shoes, umbrellas, notebooks, movies and television shows. We know there's a market.

My daughter thanks you for bringing her beloved identity as a princess back into her life and I thank you for bringing a more empowering message to our princesses.



Friday, July 18, 2008

Empowering Girls: Criticize Daughters' DNA

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A mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem. Naomi Wolf

The reverse is also true.

Divorce expert M. Gary Neuman says the worst thing any parent can do to their child is to criticize their other parent. Because children hear this as criticism of self. You criticize a child's DNA when you criticize their parent.

The same holds true when daughters hear their mothers criticize their own appearance. This is obvious if they share the criticized feature. Even if they don't, a "not pretty enough" feeling passes from one generation to the next.

As life coach Martha Beck says, Children feel about themselves the way we feel about ourselves. We only wish they felt about themselves the way we feel about them.

Wishing it doesn't make it so.

My Beautiful Mommy, a children's book, written by a plastic surgeon, who is incidentally depicted as a superhero who manages to make Mommy "pretty" (as both God and Mother Nature evidently could not) with a nose job, implied boob job and tummy tuck, has prompted media criticism.

As a parent, this book touches something inside us that we know intuitively is bad for kids.

What is plastic surgery if it's not the ultimate self-criticism?

What is plastic surgery if it's not the ultimate in criticizing both our children's and our parents' DNA?


The premise of this book is that we can resolve our self esteem and low self worth issues with surgery, and that we have the ability to articulate that to our children with a story book.

This can never, ever work.

What we CAN do, is grow a self esteem and teach our children how to grow a self esteem too.

The first step in feeling good about one's own reflection is to stop criticizing it. If we can learn to love how we look, our children will intuitively inherit a good self esteem.

I make it a point to compliment my own features as beautiful, especially those I share with my daughter.

Your hair is thick like mine, I love my hair.

We have perfect bow lips.

You're lucky you got my eyes, they are one of our best features.

I do it because I want to actively vaccinate my daughter against a low self esteem as Naomi Wolf suggests.

Try it. As with anything it takes practice, feels awkward at first but quickly becomes a habit.

If self-deprecation is becoming a problem in your house please read My Face/Her Face and Self-Loathing Sin Bank.

My Face/Her Face


by Tracee Sioux

I am deeply struck by this photograph which I found on About Face, a non-profit company which combats negative images of women in the media.

Without taking a right or wrong stance about plastic surgery, this photograph of a mother and her daughters speaks volumes about what self-hatred, self-criticism and self-loathing costs the collective conscience of femininity.

Remember when we found out on Friends that Rachel had a nose job? It seemed like a kind enough thing to do for herself when she was single and a completely autonomous person. But, then she had a baby girl and the issue came up again. It was quite funny to watch her consider, "What if the baby gets my old nose?"

Funny. But, in a practical sense what if she does? What if she gets your old nose? How much harder is it to learn to love yourself if you go through life with a nose even your own mother finds unacceptable?

Who then is responsible for the daughter's self esteem issue about her nose? While many might come back to a post like this and say, "Well, just give the daughter a nose job." Sure, eventually. But, she has to hate her nose until it stops growing in her late teens.

My hypothesis is that it's much more effective to learn to love our own nose, face, and breasts than to combat poor self worth in our daughters, created by our own feelings of self-loathing.

It is also notable that the feelings about my own appearance have become significantly more positive now that I can look at my daughter's face and see the beauty there. To me, she has not one single flaw. The features she shares with me have become more attractive to me by virtue of being on her.

That said, many women will get plastic surgery to fix what they perceive as "flaws." I don't want to argue the moral position that you shouldn't, certainly you have to make your own decision.

That said, I do think it's worth asking, what then do you plan to say to your daughter if she shares the same perceived flaw?

Read more about how our feelings about our own appearance deeply effect our daughters feelings about themselves in Self-Loathing Sin Bank.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Cinderella Should Have Saved Herself

business card.JPGBy Tracee Sioux

Our daughters are inundated with Cinderella and her friends. Young girls love Cinderella and want to be her.

For several years I allowed the Cinderella obsession to run rampant. I allowed the dress up clothes, books, movies, birthday party themes, posters, sticker and coloring books, flash cards, and on and on. There seemed to be no end in sight. It was completely against my gut instinct. When I read Ainsley the books or watched the movies I would cringe inside, my gut kept telling me – this is so unempowering.

When she was four I realized these things do not resolve themselves and the message that she needs “saving” is going to have negative consequences for her life. It will especially effect her love life and her ability to be happily alone or independent.

I told her the truth about Cinderella and banned most paraphernelia. If you critically deconstruct this fairytale there is nothing harmless about it. It is probably harmless as a simple story, but the degree to which it is marketed to young girls makes it a huge influence in their lives.

Have you ever talked to a young woman, newly engaged and planning her storybook wedding? You realize she’s living her Cinderella fantasy and she truly believes something magical is happening and expects to live happily ever after? When I meet these girls I always feel terribly sympathetic for the truths she will discover in about a year. Wouldn’t it be kinder to our daughters if we told them the truth about love and marriage and “the prince.” Wouldn’t it be more empowering if their expectations were in line with reality?

So, I told my daughter first that Cinderella didn’t need saving. She could have saved herself. At least in today’s practical world, the one my daughter relates to, Cinderella had options. She could have graduated from high school and gone off to college. She could have gotten a medical or law degree. She could have left her stepmother’s home, achieved an education, then a job. Had she done that she would would have no need for her stepmother’s money.

Cinderella also made a giant mistake by attempting to find happily ever after in another person. What she could have done is learned how to make herself happy first. She could have found hobbies and had friends and pursued something.She shouldn’t have wasted her life waiting.

On a practical note, Cinderella hated her life because she had to do all the housework. So she became a wife!

Stupid, stupid, stupid. How many women out there got married and then realized how much housework is involved in raising a family? I certainly do a lot of housework as a wife. Most wives I know do most of the housework. If my daughter gets married and expecting to do no housework she’ll be severely disappointed.

I’m married. Every married woman knows one basic truth – it’s a lot more work than we were told. I think it’s a valid and wonderful institution, but it’s no quick easy way to happily ever after. My daughter deserves to know that. It’s also not the only way for women to find happiness.

I’m no lawyer, but depending on the state she lived in she could have just sued her stepmother for her inheritance. I know in Texas the estate is split between the children and the wife if there is no will.

Cinderella is a terrible example of an empowered girl. But, she can be used as a good teaching tool. We can point out what she did wrong. We can also offer great alternatives like college and careers and encourage girls to find their own true selves. I think we owe them that.

For better ideas about love and self to give our daughters try these two books, Princess Bubble where she'll learn she can save herself and missing piece meets big o where she'll learn she is whole and complete already.

Guest Post: Thrifty Kelly

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Thanks to Kelly Saunders for guest blogging today. Kelly Saunders has been blogging forThrifty Mommy for over 2 years and has a 3.5 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. Her goal is to save time and money any way she can in order to stay home with her kids. She loves to challenge herself to a price limit of $3-$3.50 for summer outfits and $4-$4.50 for winter outfits for her kids. She says that hand-me-downs are her favorite thing to give and get.

She's also just as icked out about stilettos for infants as I was, Sexualization of Infants.


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Hi, so glad you stopped by Empowering Girls today. I ran across this website from a story ABC News did last month and thought it was very interesting. Turns out, a couple of mothers from Seattle thought it would be cute to make high heels for their infant daughters. They run about $35 and are adorable at face value.

But we don’t live in a face value world any more. How many of you see high heels and don’t think “sensuality”? Most of us think of a pair of high heels attached to long, tan, skinny legs. Who can picture Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman in the picturesque dress at the horse race and visualize her in a pair of flats? Most of us see her in high heels.

Or, if you will admit it men, you see in your male mind a sexy bikini clad woman leaning over a race car with a bucket of soapy water next to her washing the car in high heels.

See what I mean? Why do we want to sexualize our daughters so early in life? Doesn’t the world do that for us? Look at even Wal-Mart and you will see little girl clothes hanging off the shoulder or not going to the waist. I just want my little girl to be an innocent little girl for as long as I can keep her that way.

So why would you, even for a laugh, put your infant daughter in such a sexual piece of clothing? I will give it to you. There should be nothing sexual about an infant in high heels. But the whole idea of high heels is sexual and I just don’t think we should be putting our little girls in such a predicament to have pedophiles drooling over them.

Now, before you think I am some prude, my 3 year old daughter loves to walk around in high heels and play dress up. But they are princess high heels from the dollar store or an old pair of high heels from my closet and she only does it around the house for dress up. She usually has a tutu around her waist at the same time and is dancing around to Disney Channel. That is totally a play, make believe thing. There is nothing sexy about shoes that are 20 X too big for her.

But the interview I heard had one of the mothers saying that she didn’t see any relation between high heels and sex. She said that she didn’t see a correlation to it at all. I guess she never put on high heels when she went out to a party before.

Not to mention … they are $35! My limit is $3 for any pair of shoes for my kids. And yes, they have great shoes from Stride Rite and Dora so I do keep them in style.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Guest Post: Lucy

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Lucy, today's guest blogger, is a mother of three who lives in the UK. Lucy blogs at Free From , about gluten free food because her oldest child is a ceoliac.She observes the behaviour of the tribes of youth in her free time. But what was she doing at McD's? That's not very gluten free.


He Loves Me . . . He Loves Me Not .. .

I skirted around the group of young people sitting outside, and went in to order. We sat and while he munched chicken nuggets and played with the free toy I watched the gang.

The group had a core group of five males, who sat together at a bench table, being loud. There were some stragglers, all female, who perched on the surrounding tables, occasionally talking to each other, but mostly silent, inspecting their nails. The boys were scruffy and unkempt; the girls were made up and dressed up. They can only have been about 15.

Periodically, the girls tried to join in the core group conversation, tried to attract attention from the table of boys, but were met with abuse. Mostly along the lines of 'shut up, you fat slag'.

The girls were beautiful, in that heartbreaking, young, 'tried-a-bit-hard' fashion. No way did any of those unpleasant boys deserve their attention. These girls should have walked away, done something more interesting, generated their own fun together ... but of course they didn't. Eventually the group got up and wandered off, most of the boys collecting a girl each as they passed.

This sad little scenario is played out night after night in small towns (and larger ones) across the country, and it bothers me. The girls have little or no self-esteem beyond their hair and nails; the boys treat them as worthless, except as a trophy.

It more than bothers me. How many years have women – yes, generations of young women – been struggling to gain equality?

How can I show my young daughters as they grow up that they deserve better than this? How to explain that they do not have to be defined as somebody's girl, but can be strong individuals who know their own intrinsic worth?

How can I show my young son as he grows up that he, too, is worth, and can be, more than this?

I wanted to say to those girls “you're worth more than this” - but I couldn't. How could I, some random interfering stranger? But someone at home should have told them how valuable they are. Daily. And not just for their hair and nails ...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Guest Post: Candeelady

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I wantto thank Candeelady from GoGo Glue Gun Fun for guest posting on Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me today. Terry Candee R.N. graduated from the University of South Florida with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. She has practiced Pediatric Nursing for more than thirty years. Her resume inclues Clinical, Educational and Counseling R.N. positions. She was a troop leader with the Girl Scouts of America for six years and currently teaches girl scout programs and manages a blog , GoGo Glue Gun Fun, which includes humor, craft activities and advice for Moms to build healthy relationships with their tween daughters in our crazy "pop" culture world.


I want to tell you about a really interesting young girl I had at one of my doll craft parties recently. The craft parties I teach allow the girls a wide range of design choices and I really like observing some of the crazy things they make. I get ideas from the very imaginative girls and I enjoy encouraging some of the timid creators. I've seen fake fur made into earrings, 14 sequins adorning a 2" by 2" skirt and pom poms pushed down a blouse to make boobs on an innocent sweet little rag doll.

In addition to the colorful fabrics and fanciful trims, I bring the usual tools, scissors, glue, markers............... and some toothpicks to unplug the glue bottles when needed. This one adorable tween, after observing me using a toothpick to clear a clogged glue tip, was inspired by the little pointed stick to make devil horns on her doll. She broke a toothpick into two precise equal pieces and glued and positioned them protruding from dolls forehead. She chose a full length solid red sparkly dress and left it completely void of any trim. The hair wasteased fuzzed out red yarn and she drew fangs for the teeth, and added yellow eyes. Meanwhile her peers are all making fashionable"barbie look a like"dolls !

The other mothers and myself chuckled at first but as her work became more intense and her project more demonic, we began glancing at each other, grimacing and wondering if we should intervene and try to guide her away from her Gothic style. I joked with her a bit to try and redirect her but she was determined to make a "devil doll". The final touch was a red chenille stem fashioned into a pitchforked weapon for the little creature.

When her mother came to pick her up she greeted her tween with enthusiasm and when she bent down to give her child a hug, everything suddenly began to make sense,............................... as I noticed two pointy spikes peeking out from her overly teased up hairdo.........................Just Kidding ...................................

There never was an explanation for the devil doll. The girls mother looked a bit puzzled, told her daughter she did a "fantastic job", glanced at all the staring Moms and just shrugged as they left the party together arm in arm. The remaining nervous Moms all concurred with furrowed brows that it was a very "weird doll" and had it been their daughter they would have directed her to design something "pretty" and NORMAL.

At first I thought well......................maybe she watched horror movies .......maybe a counselor could be in the near future .............or a priest...........................but then the artistic part of me decided this could actually be something wonderful ,..................................maybe this kids imagination is amazing and beyond what the average child is given. Maybe her mother is supportive and non-judgemental about her kids artistic expression, allowing the daughter to be herself!

This imaginative tween could be the next Julie Taymor or Edith Head and she'll be working with Stephen Spielberg when he directs "Star Wars Episode XL---The Nanoscience Behind Luke Skywalkers Invisible Walker" ! She will receive an Oscar for "Best Costume Design" and we will all think what an amazing creative mind that woman has!
Check out Candeelady's latest post, Non-Conforming Tweens are NORMAL.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Guest Post: Jeanne

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Please welcome Jeanne from Jeanne's Endo Blog as today's guest blogger. Jeanne is the mother of one daughter and lives on the East Coast. She is also a women's health advocate, running a support group and a blog about endometriosis. Visit Blog Fabulous today to find out how endometriosis has affected Jeanne's own body image.


Body image is affected by so many outside forces.

The magazines, TV shows (and other forms of media our children are exposed to nowadays) truly affect their own perceived self-worth, body image, and overall self-image.

As a society we need to help our daughters (and sons) by protecting them from damaging media influences whenever we possibly can. I’m not talking about censorship here. I’m talking about PARENTING! In my mind, parenting includes subcategory job titles like, “a strong force that reckons with ‘bad media’ and keeps my child from being exposed to it”. That’s just one of my philosophies on childrearing. It is crucial that our young girls are not exposed to sexualized images like the ones Tracee has written about so often on her blog.

I do not allow Bratz dolls in my house. Like Tracee, I don’t care for these dolls on so many levels. To me, merchandise like this is harmful to children. Like Tracee, I do not agree with the Abercrombie & Fitch ads showing semi-nude models posed in provocative positions to sell A&F clothing. 942403E7-ED44-4ADF-9B56-665FFAFEDE75.jpg

Ironically, their models wear very little clothing while trying to sell clothing! In my mind, they are simply selling sex. Some of their provocative T-shirts are offensive to me and reinforce negative body image ideas in those viewing the ads. I think they actually encourage self image concerns with their airbrushed ads of ‘too-skinny girls’ and ‘6-pack ab young guys’.

I believe parents have the “power of the pocketbook”… the power to say NO to what they perceive as inappropriate merchandise marketed towards impressionable young children.

Girls are bombarded with these images and so are the young boys who they may someday date or even marry. These media images (think of the controversial Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana shots for Vanity Fair) are not healthy for our children, in my humble opinion.

No one wants their young daughter to wind up like the Hollywood starlets and singers who are in and out of rehab --- when such suffering can be prevented by building GOOD SELF ESTEEM in our children/loved ones now!!

We who are parents, aunts, uncles, neighbors… WE have an obligation to be good role models for the children around us! Children are little sponges and just about EVERYTHING registers in their uncluttered brains, whether they voice it or not. They pick up on so much more than many people realize. Honestly, children are generally far smarter than many adults give them credit for!

Let’s build our girls (and boys) up and increase their self esteem while they are still very young! In this way we will be vaccinating them against certain dangers, self-destructive behaviors, and emotional pain… as the Naomi Wolf quote on Tracee’s homepage suggests we should.

We CAN empower girls and women if we simply take a step back and analyze what media we expose our children (and ourselves) to. It matters!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Made It

We made it - finally. Safely. No fighting even. Very excited to see Grandma and Grandpa. Bathed the kids. Put them to bed. I'm going to crash hard. Church is at 9 am tomorrow. :)

Are We There Yet?

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Price, Utah and we're still not there. It's been 27 hrs and we still have a 2-3 more to go. We still have to stop for gas and dinner one more time.

We had to stop at a playgrounds to stop the screaming from the 2 year old.

I've never driven through New Mexico and seen the way the Native Americans live, in complete abject poverty, and not been profoundly grateful for my blessings. They don't live like that for a few years till they rise up the corporate ladder. They live like that generation after generation. Entire towns of trailer homes are crumbling to the ground and the only sign of money or hope are the government buildings like schools and hospitals and the casino that both saves them and dooms them.

Stopped at Hole N' the Rock, Utah. A middle-aged couple blasted an entire house out of the side of the mountain and lived there. They built 14 rooms over 20 years. They chiseled the stone of their entire home, ceilings, floors and walls by hand. How's that work WORKING for shelter? She lived there alone for over 15 years after her husband died and built the bathroom herself while in her 60s. Now, it's a bitchen tourist trap.

Gratitude.

Are we there yet?

How much longer?
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Drove All Night

Honey, wake up. We're in Santa Rosa, New Mexico. I drove all night, but now I'm starting to doze. I can't drive anymore.

It's starting to rain.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Smart Car

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Honey, can you pull over so I can drive? I'm getting seriously frustrated because I can't figure out the DVD player or the Navigational System. I hate learning new technology. At least I already know how to drive.

Ha Ha.

I'm not kidding.

I know.

So we're in Wichita Falls, Texas and it's 11:20 pm. Kids are still awake and the GPS system is taking us downtown in all our pitstops. We've stopped trusting it so much. $5 a day for high speed access at any Flying J and the truckers tell me all Texas Rest Stops have free high speed.

Stopped at Sonic after only being in the car for 6 hrs. So much for my buying healthy snacks at Sams to save money. Ha. It's psychological - we're on vacation pass the onion rings and beef jerky!

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Here's the thing about the DVD player - there is almost no shared travel experience whatsoever and we keep saying, "Ainsley, did you hear what I said?"

WHAT?!?

Why are you yelling?

WHAT!?!

But, don't they look like a car commercial?

It's a shame they'll have to watch Hairspray 17 times since it's our only working DVD.

Still have 1/2 tank of gas.

Tahoe Spacious?

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I think a mini-van boasts more actual space than an SUV.

An SUV sure takes up more room on planet earth, but there is somehow a lot fewer compartments, less luggage area and less leg room for passengers.

* Unplug everything so don't use (pay for) vampire energy - check.

* Shave husband bald - check. (He won't let me post photos!)

* Turn off air conditioner - check.

* Run dishwasher - check.

* Take out garbage - check.

* Empty fridge of left over food- check.

* Pick up clutter so clen house is waiting - check.

* Ask neighbors to call the cops if anyone lurks - check.

Road TRIP!

BlogHer or Bust!

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Last night our van broke down again.

Who cares? It can wait till we get back from BlogHer08, because GM is loaning us this '08 Chevy Tahoe Hybrid. Truly I've rarely even sat in a car this nice.

It's $52,780!

Yeah. An entire annual salary.

But, check out the features:

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DVD Player for the back seat How my childhood family vacations, and all the memories, would have been so different if we took a Tahoe and not the Toyota Corolla with 4 kids in the back.

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GPS System - I don't know what I was thinking yesterday when I said I was going by my mother's directions. Are you kidding? I'm testing out the GPS System! Hello?

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Reverse Camera - I put it into reverse and the thing shows me on the radio monitor what is behind me. How cool is that? No blind spots!

Get this no spare tire. They have a tire inflation system and sealant instead. Hmm.

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It says it gets 22 mpg on the highway. Which, really isn't great gas milage. It's only great gas milage in comparison to the 10 mpg some SUVs get.

I'm anxious about how much the gas for this trip is going to cost. It will only get more expensive the further west we go and it seems to go up daily.

But, don't care. Nothing's going to spoil my good time. Vacation with Chevy Tahoe on my way to BlogHer.

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Life is beautiful! I wish Hubby would get off early. The anticipation is bittersweet. I guess I better go pack Zack's clothes.

So Sioux Me Family Vacation

Empowering Girls: Under Pressure


Dove's new Campaign for Real Beauty viral video - Under Pressure.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

So Sioux Me's Family Vacation

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GM is giving my family a Hybrid Tahoe to drive across the country to BlogHer. Woo Hoo! We'll actually drive it to Salt Lake City because we already bought plane tickets to San Francisco from there.

Itinerary & Pit Stops

We'll drive straight through from Texas to Utah. Average driving time 24 hours. This is a pilgrimage my extended family has been making for 3 generations. Last year it took us 36 because Hubby, who's new to this family tradition thought it would be fun to go 5 hours out of the way to visit Telluride, Colorado with a 1 year old strapped in his car seat, to ride a free tram. This year he said, "I think we should just get there as fast as possible with no detours at all. What's the shortest way?" Yeah, that's what I thought.

"Call my mom." I told him. You go on mapquest and look up your directions. But, we've made that mistake before too. MapQuest didn't jive with "turn left at the Texaco at the second light." You think I'm trusting the GPS system in this fancy Hybrid over 50 years of tried and true family short cuts? I think not.

We will stop to pee, on the side of the road and at gas stations, which have become progressively cleaner in the last decade. We will buy snacks at Sams to save most money and drive through the $1 menu a few times. We'll stop at playgrounds to temper Zack's inevitable "GET ME OUT OF THIS CAR SEAT!"

We will leave after the Hubby gets off work and shaves his head. Yeah, he says this is the perfect time to shave his head while he has two weeks of vacation time to grow it back. He's got a very round head so I'm expecting it to be sexy. (After the hilarious laughter from me and the kids from the shock of it.)

So 7 pm on Friday night, we'll get in a car a full decade and a half younger than our minivan, which has also been in the shop all week. We'll relish the new car smell. We'll hope it's fully insured for spills and food - hey, we've got two kids.

My husband will drive as long as he can. The kids will fall asleep and we'll have peace for a full 12 hours. Around midnight or 1 p.m. he's going to say he's too tired. I'll stop and grab a Monster, which I only drink when driving all night. Before that it was nasty caffeine pills that made me feel icky.

The directions, on a piece of scrap paper, read like this:

Denton - 278

Wichita Falls

Amarillo (This is where the humidity lifts and you can breath again)

40 to Albequirqui, New Mexico

25 to Bernadillo

Farmington

Shipwreck

Cortez

Montecello

Moab

Price

Provo

Estimated Time of Arrival, factoring in stops to post blogs at truck stops and a 6-year-old and 2-year-old and "it's too dangerous for me to drive at this point naps" sometime Saturday night.

We'll let the kids acclimate to Grandma and Grandpa for one day, and take a long nap, before we leave for San Francisco and BlogHer.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Empowering Girls: Twilight, Female Crack Cocaine

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My much adored cousin told me I just HAD to read Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1), by Stephenie Meyer, which is flying off the shelves as women indulge our addiction to the love story.

In the meantime, I've been contemplating a few things like why girls and women can be so self-defeating.

Why does the battered wife stay or go back?

Why are girls willing to put up with blatant disrespect for boyfriends?

Why do women and girls tend to glamorize "giving up everything" for their husbands and children?

What is wrong with us?

Women make up 50% of the population, yet we have so little of the world's power. Why?

Read Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1).

Edward, the beautiful vampire tells Bella, the teenage human girl, over and over that his biggest desire is to kill her. That he can barely contain himself whenever he's around her. Her own demise only turns her on. She has zero sense of self-preservation. She "Loves" him. Within the first week of meeting Edward, who immediately treats her like crap, because he wants to harm her so badly he finds it difficult to resist, she gives up her friends, her studies, her father and her mother and all of her interests. Giving up everything is "worth it." (Where have I heard that line before mothers?)

The answer to all those questions is - we think it's romantic. It makes us hot. It makes us linger in the bathtub or passes the time quickly on the treadmill.

The self-defeat, the sacrifice, the giving up of self, is in our feminine collective dialogue and it's like crack cocaine to us.

Women are addicted to this emotional drug we call "Love", but which is really a lot more like unhealthy emotional psychosis.

It starts with the Disney Princess drama as toddlers and children.

But, then we grow up and it has no effect on us our "real life?" Right?

Then why is the Twilight Series flying off the shelves?

There's no sex in the book (because he would crush her vulnerable and breakable body). But, really, is sex the most self-distructive thing girls participate in? I think not. I would hold up "Love," and our distortions of it, as the most dangerous thing to girls' confidence, their self esteem, their sense of self, their psychological and emotional health. How many girls have sex too soon for this distortion of "Love?"

Here's the other thing that gets me about this type literary dialogue, it's so prevalent in the collective female culture. Yet, the "give up everything" theme doesn't exist in men's literature.

How many relationships have actually self-destructed with these words, "But I gave up everything for you!" women/girlfriends/wives declare.

"Who asked you to? Why would you do that?" men want to know. Love is not described in the same terms, nor defined by the need for women to give up so much of themselves that they no longer actually exist, in the literary consciousness of men.

Women keep acting out the same self-distructive communication patterns and the same self-sacrificing behaviors found in books like Twilight and men are completely bewildered by it.

The only literature or culture in which this exchange - women giving up everything - shows up is in their pornography, where women aren't featured for "LOVE" as we write it, they are featured as inanimate objects for a mere moment's pleasure.

Stop this little cultural miscommunication and you most likely increase not only the duration, but the quality, of marriage in this country.

Stop buying into this ridiculously absurd self-defeating definition of "LOVE" and we might actually give our daughters a shot at healthy love, positive and fulfilling relationships, and enduring marriages. One where they get to keep their selves, their identities, their interests, their talents, their careers, their hobbies, their sense of self-respect and their physical safety.

The question is - can we have both?

Can we have our trashy teenage romance vampire romance novel where we "pretend" to give up our choices and our well-being, our life even, our families, for the "love of our life" who wants to kill us and flat out tells us that and then live empowering strong lives?

Or, do we hardwire our brains to believe that doing self-defeating things for a man is "romantic?" If our brains are hard wired this way, are we passing that down to our daughters? Especially if we allow them to indulge in this type of culture and media?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Guest Blogger Invite

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Dear So Sioux Me Reader,

I'm going to Utah and San Francisco for two weeks on Friday. Yay! Going to speak at Blogher about some my favorite issues. Very exciting.

I am open to anyone who wishes to guest post on either Blog Fabulous or Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me.

I'm pretty open about what kinds of issues you can address on Blog Fabulous. We talk a lot about gender roles, marriage, money, parenting, politics, economy, books, beauty ideal, self or body image issues, Mommy Wars (work v. stay-at-home), God, the meaning of life, book reviews, product reviews, marketing and media.

Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me is about empowering daughters. If you have a daughter (or even if you don't, I guess) and have something to say about how to empowering girls, you are welcome to submit a blog post. Common topics include marketing and culture, girl culture, toys like Bratz and Barbies, sexualization of girls, parenting strategies, extracurricular activities, gender roles and studies, book reviews, etc.

Please send any submissions to me by Wednesday Night so I will have time to organize and time-stamp post them. Please, include a very short bio and photo of yourself and the link you would like to go back to your blog.

You do not have to have a blog to guest blog for me. You could just be a reader who's dying to say something.

Send everything to traceesioux(at)yahoo.com .

Monday, July 7, 2008

EmpoweringGirls(dot)com

So, of course I wanted to know, who owns the domain empoweringgirls(dot)com? I went there and it seemed to be parked. I wanted to contact the owner to see about acquiring the web address, so I scrolled to the bottom and clicked.

I was redirected to wildpartygirls(dot)com.

Porn, of course.

Girl is a 4 letter word.

APA Reports Sexualization of Girls Devastating

Sorry, no pictures today.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Empowering Girls: Attitude Boot Camp

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Whatever the cause of Ainsley's recent attitude problem, I was talking to my friend Jen from Jlogged.com.

She's got 3 boys, and I was telling her how FED UP I am and that I don't really know the most effective thing to do.

She suggested Boot Camp.

Hard labor she said. When they start acting up and getting out of control like that we sit them down for a family meeting and tell them we're not putting up with their attitude anymore and we're going to make them work.

But, she already has to do chores, I said.

Chores. No. I make them scrub toilets with a toothbrush. I make them rake leaves and do yard work. I make them do really hard and dirty jobs for really long periods of time. I ride them really hard for about 3 weeks and it seems to do the trick.

And the list of things that no one wants to do around here started adding up in my head. And I remembered my parents used to make us work too. And their parents before them. And who the heck cares if Supernanny has never featured the Hard Labor Attitude Boot Camp as a parenting method? It's worth a shot.

We sat down at the family meeting and took her to task for her attitude towards me and outlined the new rules.

Didn't she do a nice job on those weeds?

And the whole time she was out there it was blessed silence and peace. I just tell her she has one warning until she does more hard labor. I almost can't wait until she talks back so I can get the rest of the yard work done and the toilets . . .

Is there a downside to Attitude Boot Camp?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Empowering Girls: Attitude Problem

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So, you can tell from my Hannah Ban that my 6-year-old daughter's been having an attitude problem lately.

I dealt with one of the causes, but I'm not crazy enough to think the banning of Hannah will be enough to cure her attitude and the constant crossing of my boundaries.

Here's what's really upsetting me about Ainsley's attitude.

It's directed at me. And only me.

Her entire bratty dialogue, talking back, rudeness, fit throwing, defiance is directed to a single person on the entire planet and that person is ME.

Her dad says "go clean your room" and she obediently goes to clean her room.

Her dad says "stop doing that" and she immediately stops.

At church and school and over at friends and neighbors and grandparents the child is a "perfect angel."

I say "go clean your room" and it's 30 minutes of arguing, whining, fit throwing and negotiating her way out of it.

I say "stop doing that, please," and she ignores me.

"Please, don't do that," she keeps doing it and make up an excuse for continuing her behavior.

"I said top doing that," and there is angry fit throwing outburst, negotiating and whining and crying.

I SAID STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NOW! NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM CAUSE I'M NOT PUTING UP WITH THIS!

Jeez. You don't have to scream at me, she says all hurt.

Oh really? It appears to be the only way you listen to me, I think.

What I say is, I'm sorry I yelled.

Here's what I want to know - what is different about my "go clean your room" and her fathers? What is different about my "stop doing that" and the neighbors or the teachers or the church lady's?

I have 3 theories.

The first is that my own mother put a traditional daughter curse on me, "I hope you get a daughter exactly like you."

One theory is that this is growing/mother/daughter pains that comes with puberty - only it's lightyears early.

Another theory is that I'm projecting all my daughter issues from my own relationship with my mother on my relationship with my daughter. Put another way, that my feelings about how my own mother disciplined me is preventing me from being an effective disciplinarian for my daughter. In other words, when I say, "Go clean your room," I hear myself as a rebellious teenager say, No. I don't want to! Try to make me! It's MY room. And my daughter is picking up on this inner-conflict via osmosis or emotional consciousness.

Do any other mothers notice their children treating them in a distinctly different way than they they treat the other parent or other adults? How do you explain it?

Come back tomorrow to find out about Attitude Boot Camp.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

YOU: In First Magaazine

First Magazine is looking for women who want to share body confidence stories.

One of the stories is about a gift that helped boost a woman's body confidence.

The other is about a family tradition that help's a woman feel good about her body.

The women who are featured in these stories will be professionally styled and photographed and also interviewed via phone and email.

All responses can be emailed to Helen Matatov at
HMatatov@bauerpublishing.com by Monday, August 4th.

Empowering Girls: Marketing Boundaries

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Marketers are intentionally exploiting the vulnerabilities of our children. It's unacceptable. It's 100% within our rights and lies within our responsibility as citizens, as parents and as consumers to set some boundaries on marketing to kids.


* Directly marketing unhealthy food is a direct cause of childhood obesity, according to the Federal Trade Commission.


* Directly marketing credit cards by allowing credit corporations to write the curriculum or put their logo on high school signage or playgrounds or put product placement in their play cash registers is directly effecting kid's knowledge of money and credit negatively.


* Directly marketing to young girls in a beauty-obsessed way and using sexualized images of young girls in marketing and advertising sexualizes girls. It makes them believe it's okay to be consumed.


The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood is making this a bi-partisan election issue.


Our campaign to get Democratic and Republican platform planks to protect children from marketers is gathering momentum. Last week, we met with the Democratic Party's National Platform Director and CCFC members around the country attended local platform meetings to advocate for a platform plank on the commercialization of childhood. This week, we need your help to demonstrate the broad support for these planks by signing petitions to the Democratic and Republican Platform Committees.


Sign the petition to the Republicans.


Sign the petition to the Democrats.


Sign both petitions and let whoever wins know they will be held accountable to you and your kids.


Forward this to your friends so they can take political action to protect our kids from direct marketing.


Why should you care?

Read more about exploitive credit tactics in, I Saw Satan on TV (and he's a little dork)

APA Sexualization of Girls Devastating

Read more about Precocious Puberty, which many experts say is food related both in the way of pesticides, hormones and obesity.

Watch a short film about how we're both allowing marketers to consume our kids and teaching them to be insatiable hyper-consumers at Consuming Kids.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Keira Knightly Stands Up For Her Girls & Yours

7677E71D-523D-4AF9-BA99-0A491B5D8281.jpgKeira Knightly is taking a stand against digitally enhancing her breasts for her upcoming movie, "The Dutchess."


When she stands up and declares herself "good enough" as she is, she stands up and declares our daughters "good enough" as they are.


Every actress who resists media pressure to conform to the beauty ideal does all girls and women a favor.


"She has insisted that her figure stay in its natural state," an insider said. "She is proud of her body and doesn't want it altered."This according to the Daily Mail via The Huffington Post.


Bravo Keira! You are good enough!


Photo Source: The Huffington Post, photos of before and after digital alteration for "King Arthur."

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Empowering Girls: Printables4Kids

Mom, I'm bored! Been hearing that lately?

Stop by Printables4kids and print them some activity pages as the summer lingers.

Empowering Girls: Tanning

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Mom can I tan?

Wait, what? What do you mean by tan?

Tan. Lay out in the sun to make my skin darker.

You're 6!

So? Stephanie and her sisters do it.

(Damn, older cheerleader sisters,) I think to myself.

Look. At. My. Face. Right. Now. Do you see those brown spots on my forehead and those speckles on my cheeks? That is sun damage. Laying out will ruin your beautiful skin, which is the perfect color as it is. Laying out also causes cancer. You can die from cancer.

So, no?

So, yes. You can lay out in the sun to relax by the pool, but you better have broad spectrum SPF 50 sunscreen on when you do it.

Tanning is one of my biggest regrets as I have spent far too much time and money trying to correct and hide the melasma, brown spots, on my face that resulted.

Is there a parenting phenomenon where our deepest and biggest regrets surface again in our children? Would that be Parenting Karma or God presenting an opportunity to us to resolve our past or correct our mistakes? And is this phenomenon on fast forward?

Anyone else notice this type of phenomenon?

Read more about melasma and sun damage here: Can a Leapord Change Her Spots?

Monday, July 28, 2008

You're Amazing! Giveaway

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It's Bloggy Giveaway time. Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me has joined together with author Claire Mysko and Girls Inc. to giveaway one copy of Girls Inc. Presents: You're Amazing!: A No-Pressure Guide to Being Your Best Self

You're Amazing! is based on the Girls Inc. "Supergirl Dilemma" study and the activities in the book are inspired by Girls Inc. programs.

The format is teen-friendly with quizzes, checklists, instant message assignments, turn-it-around-tactics, surveys and political action steps.

To win a copy of You're Amazing! leave a comment WITH YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS. (I've run several contests where the winner left no contact information and never came back to claim their prize.)

Contest ends Sunday, August 3 at midnight Central. I'll post the winner Monday morning, who will have 5 days to claim their prize before I give it to someone else.

Empowering Girls: Costuming

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Mom, can we wear our matching Chinese outfits to the Chinese Restaurant?

Yes.

On a very basic and fundamental level childhood should be F-U-N.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Self-Loathing Sin Bank

Vacation Rerun



by Tracee Sioux

I am going to put a self-loathing sin piggy-bank (pardon the pun) on my kitchen table.

Naomi Wolf has a great quote which is taped on my bathroom mirror, "The mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem."

I accept this as a self-evident truth. In psychology circles I think they call it "mirroring" when our children look at us as a sort of reflection of themselves. A practical example would be, "my mother thinks she's fat, therefore I too am fat." A mother who is not actually fat, but repeatedly calls herself fat must then bear the responsibility when her daughter adopts an eating disorder like anorexia, bulimia or overeating.
More posts on Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty
Beauty & Reality
Self-Loathing Sin Bank
More posts on hair:
Pink Hair Fiasco
Pink Hair Fiasco Take 2
Curl Maintenance
The Meaning of Hair

The child's perception of herself is obviously flawed using this mirroring if she looks at her thin body in the mirror and sees fat. And it breaks any mother's heart when she sees her child look at her own beautiful self with disdain, criticism or self-loathing. I think God put in us an inherent ability to see goodness and beauty in our children, whether or not they are actually beautiful.

However, I believe the function of mirroring can be done reversely with what is sometimes painful accuracy. I think when my daughter looks at her legs and says, "my legs are fat" she's telling me in a very loud voice that this is a true reflection of how she thinks I feel about my own body image.

When I had my first baby I never lost the weight because I figured I would just have to lose it after the second one. On the second one I was in my 30s and my metabolism had slowed down and I was nearing the dreaded 200 pound mark. When I realized I was going to hit 200 in a couple of months and the doctor had me on a heart monitor because of dizzy spells I decided I had to make a complete and total lifestyle change. (My heart, it turns out is just fine.) The whole family was getting chubby and I decided we had to eat healthier and get more active rather than living the lifestyle of a Kobe calf (Tajima-ushi cattle reportedly receive regular massages with Japanese rice wine and are fed hops for a well-marbled texture and tenderness).

The weight is coming off at a slow and steady rate and the muscle is bulking up and I've never felt better. This is obviously a great example to my daughter, who is now 5 and, according to her pediatrician, in the "red zone" for her BMI (body mass index).

Except for one thing. The thinner I get, the more she seems to be focusing on her own perceived flaws. The other day she said she hated her legs because they were fat.

OUCH!! Like a knife in the gut I realized that I talk about my body in a negative way to motivate myself to get to the gym. Not only that, but I use self-deprecating humor to make people laugh and to illustrate that I have the ability to laugh at myself.

When speaking directly to her I use all the healthy phrases like suggesting she eat a healthy snack. Or explain that we're eating vegetables and fish for dinner because it's a healthier choice. Directly to her I am proactive about explaining that we're off to the gym so that I can be stronger and have a healthier heart.

But to others. . . .

She has heard me call myself Kobe Beef. (Yes, I'm a fan of the esoteric references to amuse myself.) She has also heard me complain about buying the "largest girdle underwear they make, only to find out it was too small." I have bragged about going down in pants sizes, "it's taken me 8 freaking months to make it down to a size 12." I have touted the fact that I have lost "20 pounds of pure fat." I have complained about how I simply can't find shirts long enough to cover my stomach, "which wouldn't be so bad if I weren't so fat and no one needs to see blubber hanging out of my clothes." I have touted my measurements, "losing 15 inches of ugly fat, back fat, flabby boob fat, thigh fat, belly fat." She's has heard me complain about my clothes that make me "look like a total cow." I have complained that it's going to take me "40 more weeks to get rid of my fat at the rate of a pound a week." She's heard me say how surprised I am that "my neck even lost an inch of fat allowing me to wear my pearl choker again."

The thing is, I don't loath my self or my body. I wasn't even aware of how fat I was until I started seeing positive changes in my body. I still dream of myself as thin. I still think of myself as "the thin cute blond" one when I'm with my girlfriends. I have been blind to my own fat. Heck, I'm fairly sure my daughter was blind to my fat. I don't look in the mirror and hate what I see, because I don't even see what's really there - I literally look in the mirror and see myself as I was in college.

Yet, I realize that my daughter can't determine the difference between how I feel about my body and what I say about my body. To her, she will only internalize that I say I feel fat and that I say I hate my body. She only hears me criticize my looks, my self. And that is what is inevitably effecting how she will see herself for the rest of her life.

It's tragic really. It breaks my heart. It feels like damage that can't be reversed. It makes me loath myself.

My vow is to change this negative behavior. It is not worth a few laughs for the self-deprecating humor. I feel I have to hold myself accountable to her for this behavior so that she is explicitly aware that it is not okay for me to be unkind to myself, and therefore I can expect her to show her own self the kindness I want for her.

So, I'm going to put a self-loathing sin beauty bank on the kitchen table and deposit say, a quarter (hey, we're on a strict budget around here) for every self-deprecating, self-loathing remark I make about my body or my self. I will ask her to catch me calling myself unkind names. I will require her to deposit the same when she makes negative comments about herself.

To avoid making it another exercise in self-loathing (I suck so bad, I can't believe I said I'm fat again, I'm such an idiot!) it will be a requirement to write a positive attribute about our bodies to put in the bank along with the quarters. Then after a month we'll take the jar of good thoughts and our quarters and we'll go out for Chinese food and talk about our progress and how much we love our own bodies.

Alarming statistics from Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty Study
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/

* 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner. (Collins, 1991)
* 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat. (Mellin et al., 1991)
* The average American woman is 5'4" tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5'11" tall and weighs 117 pounds. Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women. (Smolak, 1996)

*51% of 9 and 10 year old girls feel better about themselves if they are on a diet. (Mellin et al.,1991)
* 91% of women recently surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting, 91% dieted "often" or "always." (Kurth et al., 1995)
* 95% of all dieters will regain their lost weight in 1-5 years. (Grodstein, 1996)
* 35% of "normal dieters" progress to pathological dieting. Of those, 20-25% progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders. (Shisslak & Crago, 1995)
* 25% of American men and 45% of American women are on a diet on any given day. (Smolak, 1996)
* Americans spend over $40 billion on dieting and diet-related products each year. (Smolak, 1996)

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/DoveBeyondStereotypesWhitePaper.pdf

I've entered this article in Babylune's writing contest about parenting mistakes and lessons learned. Follow the link to enter one of your own.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Empowering Girls: Ho'oponopono for Girl Fights

Vacation Rerun

by Tracee Sioux

The only resolution (that I've come up with) for girl-fighting is to teach them Ho'oponopono, the theory that anything can be resolved by practicing I'm sorry, I forgive you, I love you.

Girls are . . . .

Well, if you've got one - then you know how they are together. Complicated and hyper-sensitive.

I think someone hit the fast-forward button on their development and now the mean-girl behavior starts even earlier and escalates faster than before.

I hate to glamorize the '70s and '80s but running wild in the neighborhood totally rocked and was the epitome of childhood bliss.

Our previous neighborhood was quite simply depressing - the only reason I knew other children lived there was because the school bus stopped in front of other houses. Otherwise I didn't see a child in the 3 years we lived on that block.

When we moved to a new neighborhood I prayed we'd go to one where the children still play outside with each other and that Ainsley would have lots of friends her age to to play with.

Be careful what you wish for - she got 4 or 5 girls about her age and one has sisters a few years older. Which seemed fabulous until the girl-fighting began. This took about a week.

Mom, Olivia isn't allowed to play with Makinzie because she called her a fat B!

I'm thinking, What happened to dummy or big stupid head?

We've skipped right over normal name calling and moved to fat bitch awfully quickly.

It's simple to identify mean-girl behavior. It's quite another thing to resolve it and prevent it from happening again and again.

Without being critical of the other parents, after both mothers sought me out and I listened to their crazy stories in which the mothers and fathers resorted to mean-girl behavior themselves. Both took "your not allowed to play with her anymore" stances and at one point the fathers even nearly came to blows. Their crucial mistake was believing their own daughters were more innocent than the other girl.

Are you kidding me?

Girls are, like I said, complicated and hyper-sensitive. And the worst thing you can do, I've recently discovered, is try to figure out who is right and who is wrong in a girl-fight.

I've declared my own house neutral territory where all the girls can play. After listening to their stories for a few weeks and trying different methods I think I've hit on a pretty good reaction to girl-fighting in Ho'oponopono.

Assume everyone is wrong. Assume they all played a part in getting to the argument. This way, no one "gets away" with anything. Believe that the self-righteous smirk is as painful as the verbal slander. Believe your own daughter has a capacity for mean girl behavior. It's really not all the other girls.

Make them both/all repeat these words every time they argue or hurt each other's feelings:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I forgive you. I forgive you.

I love you. I love you.

Now go play. And try to get along for 15 whole minutes this time.

What happens when parents and educators overlook this "girl culture" problem? It's escalating into real physical violence in junior high and high schools at a rate outnumbering boys' fist fights. Read more in Girl Fight.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Empowering Girls: Reunited

Another reason to leave your kids every once in a while - if you don't you'll miss the moment of reuniting. This is a pretty good moment.

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Monday, July 21, 2008

Go Bratz Go!

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Vacation Rerun from May 2007

by Tracee Sioux

I signed my daughter up for indoor soccer this season. The coach called me to invite me to a meeting of the parents and girls to determine the team colors and discuss when and where practices would be. As an after-thought she mentioned the team's new name would be

The Bratz.

What?

Bratz, you know like the dolls.

Are you kidding?

Well, no, it's called The Bratz.

Do we have to call them the brats?

Well, we have to have a name.

Well, can't we pick something positive? I would prefer about any other name than the Bratz. I mean, do we want to be yelling to our preschoolers, "Go Brats Go, be the best little brats you can be? I mean, I don't even let my daughter play with those Bratz dolls and I certainly don't want to encourage her to act like a brat or be a brat.

Well, no one else has looked at it like that, we can discuss it at the meeting and talk to the commissioner about changing the name.

Okay, so I was a little apprehensive about going to the meeting yesterday. I even thought it might be easier to not let my daughter play soccer than face that poor coach who got an ear full of my anti-Bratz propaganda.

Really, I was concerned that this fellow mother would hate me for making such a big deal about this. I was also more than a little worried that I would handle the situation very poorly and look hysterical and crazy because they wanted to brand my daughter a brat. Then who would look like a brat? Me. And all the other parents would band against me and decide that I was just the trouble-maker who wouldn't let anyone have any fun at all.

So, I go up to this strikingly beautiful woman at the meeting and introduce myself and the baby. Of course, hoping that the cute, fat baby would endear me to her. I even start up a banal conversation about whether or not she has to wear heals to work. Stupid and awkward.

The meeting starts and she says, Okay, who here objects to the name Bratz?

I alone raised my hand high. Everyone looks around and I feel like caving to avoid this confrontation with every other parent on the team."

Look, I said. I'm very uncomfortable with this name because I don't think we should be yelling Go Brats Go, Be the best little brat you can be. Brats Rule. I try all week long to NOT encourage my daughter to be a brat. I don't want her to act like those dolls and I don't let her dress like those dolls and I don't even let her play with the dolls. I'm just very uncomfortable with the name.

I was so grateful that I avoided saying they looked like whores who grew out of their clothes, which is what I usually say about those attrocious little beasts. And I didn't get into the symbolism of why their heads are so freakishly large - to fit their self-absorbed massive egos inside. Little battles for maturity inside myself.

Several people had warned me that I had better come up with a better name to subs awkward with parents trying to think up a better name - I suggested Kickers but it wasn't cute enough. Someone suggested the Shortcakes, and I was agreeable. Then I suggested the Pink Panthers, but then it looked like there were several other teams with pink shirts and so we thought we should go with purple.

Every now and then some parent would glare at me and say, Are you sure you don't like the name Bratz?

And I would shrug and say, yeah, I just don't think that's a great name for our girls.

A few parents wanted to point out that they don't let their daughters wear the make-up or dress like that - they're "just dolls."

But, I guess that's my problem, I don't think they are just dolls. I think they're a negative message about who the girls should emulate.

In the end we settled, quite unenthusiastically on Butterflies.

Okay, nothing great about that, but nothing horrible about it either. Butterflies are nice, they embrace change and they are pretty and all the little four- and five-year-olds like butterflies.

Of course, the girls weren't as enthusiastic about butterflies as they had been about The Bratz. But, then I figure the girls are enthusiastic about what Matel, or in this case MGA Entertainment markets to them, which doesn't necessarily make it a good thing.

I did volunteer to arrange all the snacks for the season and we'll see if the other parents will hold a grudge or cooperate with my efforts.

I have to give props to the coach however. She was very nice when I went up and thanked her for volunteering to change the name. After all I am only one parent and they could have just shunned me. Hopefully the season will be a good experience for my daughter.

I do feel triumphant, if a little embarrassed, for standing up for what I believe even though it's hugely unpopular and I want my daughter to learn to do that.

Of course, later the Soccer Commission overrode our decision and guess what I did? Read No Bratz No! Tantrum or Go with the Flow?

Read the outcome at Happy Feet Beats Bratz

And you should watch this hilarious YouTube film, Slutz, Bratz Parody, which is so not appropriate for children - but then neither are those dolls.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Mirrors: Ours, The Media’s, Our Cultures’ and Our Kids’

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So I had my big BlogHer08 speaking panel, Mirrors: Ours, The Media’s, Our Cultures’ and Our Kids’ speaking panel yesterday and it was a rush.

The panelists were Laurie Toby Edison of Body Impolitic, Tracee Sioux of Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me, Kelly Wickham of Mocha Momma, and Glennia Campbell of The Silent I (also Mom-o-crats and Kimchi Mamas).

Laurie Toby published the transcript on her blog and I'd love if you would hop over and read it. I think it went really, really well.

Tracee: I write about empowering girls, specifically daughters. How girls internalize the media and what we as parents can do to give them tools to fight that. Daughters inherit our emotions about our bodies. So many women self-deprecate for humor; I used to do it all the time. When my 4-year-old said “I hate my fat thighs,” I said “What have I done?” Women use this to bond–I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect. I was joking, but my daughter couldn’t tell it was a joke. Daughters feel that when you criticize yourself you’re criticizing their DNA.

Truly, I had the best time. It was so encouraging to see how many women are thinking about the complex world our daughters live in and how best to approach the building/moulding of their selves.

Empowering Girls: Princess Bubble Review

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Princess Bubble by Susan Johnston & Kimberly Webb is the antidote to the Disney Princess Culture.

It's got all the "pretty" little girls want with the crowns and flouncy dresses and the gobs of bubble gum pink and castles and lavish parties. It's full of the exaggerated femininity little girls crave, but balanced with more modern-day images of her in jeans, at the gym, going to work, driving a car and doing yoga.

The illustrator, Maria Tonelli really outdid herself with the perfect amount of bling and gaudy and mixing artistic elements of yesterday and today.

Ainsley loves this book. Her favorite part is "all of it."

My favorite part is that Princess Bubble is happy and empowered with or without a prince.

Princess Bubble has a career with an airline and travels the world and has lots of great friends and family.

The Queen tells her she needs to get married to live happily ever after.

All her princess history books tell her she needs a prince to live happily ever after.

She stands up to social pressure when all her friends have their bridal showers and engagement parties and begin to marry off.

She dates princes (that's right, plural), a good boy from the Charming family and the Right family's young Mr. (Isn't that so clever?)

She signs up for www.FindYourPrince.com. (How very new millennium!)

Ms. Bubble realizes her circumstances in the 22nd Century are different than Princess's past. She doesn't live in a dungeon, or under the sea, or work for an evil step-mother. Instead, she has a great career, money of her own, lots of friends, a great family and she's already happy.

When Princess Bubble's Fairy Godmother appears she has this empowering message to give "Living happily ever after is not about finding a prince. True happiness is found by loving God, being kind to others and being comfortable with who you already are!"

If you've ever complained about the gift selections available for girls put this book at the top of your list of empowering possibilities.

Certainly, Ainsley would love to get it and parents would be hard pressed to find fault with it.

Kudos to the women who wrote it - I hope they make a Kagillion dollars on the t-shirts, costumes, posters, back packs, party supplies, room decor, tennis shoes, umbrellas, notebooks, movies and television shows. We know there's a market.

My daughter thanks you for bringing her beloved identity as a princess back into her life and I thank you for bringing a more empowering message to our princesses.



Friday, July 18, 2008

Empowering Girls: Criticize Daughters' DNA

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A mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem. Naomi Wolf

The reverse is also true.

Divorce expert M. Gary Neuman says the worst thing any parent can do to their child is to criticize their other parent. Because children hear this as criticism of self. You criticize a child's DNA when you criticize their parent.

The same holds true when daughters hear their mothers criticize their own appearance. This is obvious if they share the criticized feature. Even if they don't, a "not pretty enough" feeling passes from one generation to the next.

As life coach Martha Beck says, Children feel about themselves the way we feel about ourselves. We only wish they felt about themselves the way we feel about them.

Wishing it doesn't make it so.

My Beautiful Mommy, a children's book, written by a plastic surgeon, who is incidentally depicted as a superhero who manages to make Mommy "pretty" (as both God and Mother Nature evidently could not) with a nose job, implied boob job and tummy tuck, has prompted media criticism.

As a parent, this book touches something inside us that we know intuitively is bad for kids.

What is plastic surgery if it's not the ultimate self-criticism?

What is plastic surgery if it's not the ultimate in criticizing both our children's and our parents' DNA?


The premise of this book is that we can resolve our self esteem and low self worth issues with surgery, and that we have the ability to articulate that to our children with a story book.

This can never, ever work.

What we CAN do, is grow a self esteem and teach our children how to grow a self esteem too.

The first step in feeling good about one's own reflection is to stop criticizing it. If we can learn to love how we look, our children will intuitively inherit a good self esteem.

I make it a point to compliment my own features as beautiful, especially those I share with my daughter.

Your hair is thick like mine, I love my hair.

We have perfect bow lips.

You're lucky you got my eyes, they are one of our best features.

I do it because I want to actively vaccinate my daughter against a low self esteem as Naomi Wolf suggests.

Try it. As with anything it takes practice, feels awkward at first but quickly becomes a habit.

If self-deprecation is becoming a problem in your house please read My Face/Her Face and Self-Loathing Sin Bank.

My Face/Her Face


by Tracee Sioux

I am deeply struck by this photograph which I found on About Face, a non-profit company which combats negative images of women in the media.

Without taking a right or wrong stance about plastic surgery, this photograph of a mother and her daughters speaks volumes about what self-hatred, self-criticism and self-loathing costs the collective conscience of femininity.

Remember when we found out on Friends that Rachel had a nose job? It seemed like a kind enough thing to do for herself when she was single and a completely autonomous person. But, then she had a baby girl and the issue came up again. It was quite funny to watch her consider, "What if the baby gets my old nose?"

Funny. But, in a practical sense what if she does? What if she gets your old nose? How much harder is it to learn to love yourself if you go through life with a nose even your own mother finds unacceptable?

Who then is responsible for the daughter's self esteem issue about her nose? While many might come back to a post like this and say, "Well, just give the daughter a nose job." Sure, eventually. But, she has to hate her nose until it stops growing in her late teens.

My hypothesis is that it's much more effective to learn to love our own nose, face, and breasts than to combat poor self worth in our daughters, created by our own feelings of self-loathing.

It is also notable that the feelings about my own appearance have become significantly more positive now that I can look at my daughter's face and see the beauty there. To me, she has not one single flaw. The features she shares with me have become more attractive to me by virtue of being on her.

That said, many women will get plastic surgery to fix what they perceive as "flaws." I don't want to argue the moral position that you shouldn't, certainly you have to make your own decision.

That said, I do think it's worth asking, what then do you plan to say to your daughter if she shares the same perceived flaw?

Read more about how our feelings about our own appearance deeply effect our daughters feelings about themselves in Self-Loathing Sin Bank.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Cinderella Should Have Saved Herself

business card.JPGBy Tracee Sioux

Our daughters are inundated with Cinderella and her friends. Young girls love Cinderella and want to be her.

For several years I allowed the Cinderella obsession to run rampant. I allowed the dress up clothes, books, movies, birthday party themes, posters, sticker and coloring books, flash cards, and on and on. There seemed to be no end in sight. It was completely against my gut instinct. When I read Ainsley the books or watched the movies I would cringe inside, my gut kept telling me – this is so unempowering.

When she was four I realized these things do not resolve themselves and the message that she needs “saving” is going to have negative consequences for her life. It will especially effect her love life and her ability to be happily alone or independent.

I told her the truth about Cinderella and banned most paraphernelia. If you critically deconstruct this fairytale there is nothing harmless about it. It is probably harmless as a simple story, but the degree to which it is marketed to young girls makes it a huge influence in their lives.

Have you ever talked to a young woman, newly engaged and planning her storybook wedding? You realize she’s living her Cinderella fantasy and she truly believes something magical is happening and expects to live happily ever after? When I meet these girls I always feel terribly sympathetic for the truths she will discover in about a year. Wouldn’t it be kinder to our daughters if we told them the truth about love and marriage and “the prince.” Wouldn’t it be more empowering if their expectations were in line with reality?

So, I told my daughter first that Cinderella didn’t need saving. She could have saved herself. At least in today’s practical world, the one my daughter relates to, Cinderella had options. She could have graduated from high school and gone off to college. She could have gotten a medical or law degree. She could have left her stepmother’s home, achieved an education, then a job. Had she done that she would would have no need for her stepmother’s money.

Cinderella also made a giant mistake by attempting to find happily ever after in another person. What she could have done is learned how to make herself happy first. She could have found hobbies and had friends and pursued something.She shouldn’t have wasted her life waiting.

On a practical note, Cinderella hated her life because she had to do all the housework. So she became a wife!

Stupid, stupid, stupid. How many women out there got married and then realized how much housework is involved in raising a family? I certainly do a lot of housework as a wife. Most wives I know do most of the housework. If my daughter gets married and expecting to do no housework she’ll be severely disappointed.

I’m married. Every married woman knows one basic truth – it’s a lot more work than we were told. I think it’s a valid and wonderful institution, but it’s no quick easy way to happily ever after. My daughter deserves to know that. It’s also not the only way for women to find happiness.

I’m no lawyer, but depending on the state she lived in she could have just sued her stepmother for her inheritance. I know in Texas the estate is split between the children and the wife if there is no will.

Cinderella is a terrible example of an empowered girl. But, she can be used as a good teaching tool. We can point out what she did wrong. We can also offer great alternatives like college and careers and encourage girls to find their own true selves. I think we owe them that.

For better ideas about love and self to give our daughters try these two books, Princess Bubble where she'll learn she can save herself and missing piece meets big o where she'll learn she is whole and complete already.

Guest Post: Thrifty Kelly

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Thanks to Kelly Saunders for guest blogging today. Kelly Saunders has been blogging forThrifty Mommy for over 2 years and has a 3.5 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. Her goal is to save time and money any way she can in order to stay home with her kids. She loves to challenge herself to a price limit of $3-$3.50 for summer outfits and $4-$4.50 for winter outfits for her kids. She says that hand-me-downs are her favorite thing to give and get.

She's also just as icked out about stilettos for infants as I was, Sexualization of Infants.


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Hi, so glad you stopped by Empowering Girls today. I ran across this website from a story ABC News did last month and thought it was very interesting. Turns out, a couple of mothers from Seattle thought it would be cute to make high heels for their infant daughters. They run about $35 and are adorable at face value.

But we don’t live in a face value world any more. How many of you see high heels and don’t think “sensuality”? Most of us think of a pair of high heels attached to long, tan, skinny legs. Who can picture Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman in the picturesque dress at the horse race and visualize her in a pair of flats? Most of us see her in high heels.

Or, if you will admit it men, you see in your male mind a sexy bikini clad woman leaning over a race car with a bucket of soapy water next to her washing the car in high heels.

See what I mean? Why do we want to sexualize our daughters so early in life? Doesn’t the world do that for us? Look at even Wal-Mart and you will see little girl clothes hanging off the shoulder or not going to the waist. I just want my little girl to be an innocent little girl for as long as I can keep her that way.

So why would you, even for a laugh, put your infant daughter in such a sexual piece of clothing? I will give it to you. There should be nothing sexual about an infant in high heels. But the whole idea of high heels is sexual and I just don’t think we should be putting our little girls in such a predicament to have pedophiles drooling over them.

Now, before you think I am some prude, my 3 year old daughter loves to walk around in high heels and play dress up. But they are princess high heels from the dollar store or an old pair of high heels from my closet and she only does it around the house for dress up. She usually has a tutu around her waist at the same time and is dancing around to Disney Channel. That is totally a play, make believe thing. There is nothing sexy about shoes that are 20 X too big for her.

But the interview I heard had one of the mothers saying that she didn’t see any relation between high heels and sex. She said that she didn’t see a correlation to it at all. I guess she never put on high heels when she went out to a party before.

Not to mention … they are $35! My limit is $3 for any pair of shoes for my kids. And yes, they have great shoes from Stride Rite and Dora so I do keep them in style.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Guest Post: Lucy

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Lucy, today's guest blogger, is a mother of three who lives in the UK. Lucy blogs at Free From , about gluten free food because her oldest child is a ceoliac.She observes the behaviour of the tribes of youth in her free time. But what was she doing at McD's? That's not very gluten free.


He Loves Me . . . He Loves Me Not .. .

I skirted around the group of young people sitting outside, and went in to order. We sat and while he munched chicken nuggets and played with the free toy I watched the gang.

The group had a core group of five males, who sat together at a bench table, being loud. There were some stragglers, all female, who perched on the surrounding tables, occasionally talking to each other, but mostly silent, inspecting their nails. The boys were scruffy and unkempt; the girls were made up and dressed up. They can only have been about 15.

Periodically, the girls tried to join in the core group conversation, tried to attract attention from the table of boys, but were met with abuse. Mostly along the lines of 'shut up, you fat slag'.

The girls were beautiful, in that heartbreaking, young, 'tried-a-bit-hard' fashion. No way did any of those unpleasant boys deserve their attention. These girls should have walked away, done something more interesting, generated their own fun together ... but of course they didn't. Eventually the group got up and wandered off, most of the boys collecting a girl each as they passed.

This sad little scenario is played out night after night in small towns (and larger ones) across the country, and it bothers me. The girls have little or no self-esteem beyond their hair and nails; the boys treat them as worthless, except as a trophy.

It more than bothers me. How many years have women – yes, generations of young women – been struggling to gain equality?

How can I show my young daughters as they grow up that they deserve better than this? How to explain that they do not have to be defined as somebody's girl, but can be strong individuals who know their own intrinsic worth?

How can I show my young son as he grows up that he, too, is worth, and can be, more than this?

I wanted to say to those girls “you're worth more than this” - but I couldn't. How could I, some random interfering stranger? But someone at home should have told them how valuable they are. Daily. And not just for their hair and nails ...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Guest Post: Candeelady

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I wantto thank Candeelady from GoGo Glue Gun Fun for guest posting on Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me today. Terry Candee R.N. graduated from the University of South Florida with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. She has practiced Pediatric Nursing for more than thirty years. Her resume inclues Clinical, Educational and Counseling R.N. positions. She was a troop leader with the Girl Scouts of America for six years and currently teaches girl scout programs and manages a blog , GoGo Glue Gun Fun, which includes humor, craft activities and advice for Moms to build healthy relationships with their tween daughters in our crazy "pop" culture world.


I want to tell you about a really interesting young girl I had at one of my doll craft parties recently. The craft parties I teach allow the girls a wide range of design choices and I really like observing some of the crazy things they make. I get ideas from the very imaginative girls and I enjoy encouraging some of the timid creators. I've seen fake fur made into earrings, 14 sequins adorning a 2" by 2" skirt and pom poms pushed down a blouse to make boobs on an innocent sweet little rag doll.

In addition to the colorful fabrics and fanciful trims, I bring the usual tools, scissors, glue, markers............... and some toothpicks to unplug the glue bottles when needed. This one adorable tween, after observing me using a toothpick to clear a clogged glue tip, was inspired by the little pointed stick to make devil horns on her doll. She broke a toothpick into two precise equal pieces and glued and positioned them protruding from dolls forehead. She chose a full length solid red sparkly dress and left it completely void of any trim. The hair wasteased fuzzed out red yarn and she drew fangs for the teeth, and added yellow eyes. Meanwhile her peers are all making fashionable"barbie look a like"dolls !

The other mothers and myself chuckled at first but as her work became more intense and her project more demonic, we began glancing at each other, grimacing and wondering if we should intervene and try to guide her away from her Gothic style. I joked with her a bit to try and redirect her but she was determined to make a "devil doll". The final touch was a red chenille stem fashioned into a pitchforked weapon for the little creature.

When her mother came to pick her up she greeted her tween with enthusiasm and when she bent down to give her child a hug, everything suddenly began to make sense,............................... as I noticed two pointy spikes peeking out from her overly teased up hairdo.........................Just Kidding ...................................

There never was an explanation for the devil doll. The girls mother looked a bit puzzled, told her daughter she did a "fantastic job", glanced at all the staring Moms and just shrugged as they left the party together arm in arm. The remaining nervous Moms all concurred with furrowed brows that it was a very "weird doll" and had it been their daughter they would have directed her to design something "pretty" and NORMAL.

At first I thought well......................maybe she watched horror movies .......maybe a counselor could be in the near future .............or a priest...........................but then the artistic part of me decided this could actually be something wonderful ,..................................maybe this kids imagination is amazing and beyond what the average child is given. Maybe her mother is supportive and non-judgemental about her kids artistic expression, allowing the daughter to be herself!

This imaginative tween could be the next Julie Taymor or Edith Head and she'll be working with Stephen Spielberg when he directs "Star Wars Episode XL---The Nanoscience Behind Luke Skywalkers Invisible Walker" ! She will receive an Oscar for "Best Costume Design" and we will all think what an amazing creative mind that woman has!
Check out Candeelady's latest post, Non-Conforming Tweens are NORMAL.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Guest Post: Jeanne

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Please welcome Jeanne from Jeanne's Endo Blog as today's guest blogger. Jeanne is the mother of one daughter and lives on the East Coast. She is also a women's health advocate, running a support group and a blog about endometriosis. Visit Blog Fabulous today to find out how endometriosis has affected Jeanne's own body image.


Body image is affected by so many outside forces.

The magazines, TV shows (and other forms of media our children are exposed to nowadays) truly affect their own perceived self-worth, body image, and overall self-image.

As a society we need to help our daughters (and sons) by protecting them from damaging media influences whenever we possibly can. I’m not talking about censorship here. I’m talking about PARENTING! In my mind, parenting includes subcategory job titles like, “a strong force that reckons with ‘bad media’ and keeps my child from being exposed to it”. That’s just one of my philosophies on childrearing. It is crucial that our young girls are not exposed to sexualized images like the ones Tracee has written about so often on her blog.

I do not allow Bratz dolls in my house. Like Tracee, I don’t care for these dolls on so many levels. To me, merchandise like this is harmful to children. Like Tracee, I do not agree with the Abercrombie & Fitch ads showing semi-nude models posed in provocative positions to sell A&F clothing. 942403E7-ED44-4ADF-9B56-665FFAFEDE75.jpg

Ironically, their models wear very little clothing while trying to sell clothing! In my mind, they are simply selling sex. Some of their provocative T-shirts are offensive to me and reinforce negative body image ideas in those viewing the ads. I think they actually encourage self image concerns with their airbrushed ads of ‘too-skinny girls’ and ‘6-pack ab young guys’.

I believe parents have the “power of the pocketbook”… the power to say NO to what they perceive as inappropriate merchandise marketed towards impressionable young children.

Girls are bombarded with these images and so are the young boys who they may someday date or even marry. These media images (think of the controversial Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana shots for Vanity Fair) are not healthy for our children, in my humble opinion.

No one wants their young daughter to wind up like the Hollywood starlets and singers who are in and out of rehab --- when such suffering can be prevented by building GOOD SELF ESTEEM in our children/loved ones now!!

We who are parents, aunts, uncles, neighbors… WE have an obligation to be good role models for the children around us! Children are little sponges and just about EVERYTHING registers in their uncluttered brains, whether they voice it or not. They pick up on so much more than many people realize. Honestly, children are generally far smarter than many adults give them credit for!

Let’s build our girls (and boys) up and increase their self esteem while they are still very young! In this way we will be vaccinating them against certain dangers, self-destructive behaviors, and emotional pain… as the Naomi Wolf quote on Tracee’s homepage suggests we should.

We CAN empower girls and women if we simply take a step back and analyze what media we expose our children (and ourselves) to. It matters!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Made It

We made it - finally. Safely. No fighting even. Very excited to see Grandma and Grandpa. Bathed the kids. Put them to bed. I'm going to crash hard. Church is at 9 am tomorrow. :)

Are We There Yet?

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Price, Utah and we're still not there. It's been 27 hrs and we still have a 2-3 more to go. We still have to stop for gas and dinner one more time.

We had to stop at a playgrounds to stop the screaming from the 2 year old.

I've never driven through New Mexico and seen the way the Native Americans live, in complete abject poverty, and not been profoundly grateful for my blessings. They don't live like that for a few years till they rise up the corporate ladder. They live like that generation after generation. Entire towns of trailer homes are crumbling to the ground and the only sign of money or hope are the government buildings like schools and hospitals and the casino that both saves them and dooms them.

Stopped at Hole N' the Rock, Utah. A middle-aged couple blasted an entire house out of the side of the mountain and lived there. They built 14 rooms over 20 years. They chiseled the stone of their entire home, ceilings, floors and walls by hand. How's that work WORKING for shelter? She lived there alone for over 15 years after her husband died and built the bathroom herself while in her 60s. Now, it's a bitchen tourist trap.

Gratitude.

Are we there yet?

How much longer?
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Drove All Night

Honey, wake up. We're in Santa Rosa, New Mexico. I drove all night, but now I'm starting to doze. I can't drive anymore.

It's starting to rain.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Smart Car

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Honey, can you pull over so I can drive? I'm getting seriously frustrated because I can't figure out the DVD player or the Navigational System. I hate learning new technology. At least I already know how to drive.

Ha Ha.

I'm not kidding.

I know.

So we're in Wichita Falls, Texas and it's 11:20 pm. Kids are still awake and the GPS system is taking us downtown in all our pitstops. We've stopped trusting it so much. $5 a day for high speed access at any Flying J and the truckers tell me all Texas Rest Stops have free high speed.

Stopped at Sonic after only being in the car for 6 hrs. So much for my buying healthy snacks at Sams to save money. Ha. It's psychological - we're on vacation pass the onion rings and beef jerky!

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Here's the thing about the DVD player - there is almost no shared travel experience whatsoever and we keep saying, "Ainsley, did you hear what I said?"

WHAT?!?

Why are you yelling?

WHAT!?!

But, don't they look like a car commercial?

It's a shame they'll have to watch Hairspray 17 times since it's our only working DVD.

Still have 1/2 tank of gas.

Tahoe Spacious?

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I think a mini-van boasts more actual space than an SUV.

An SUV sure takes up more room on planet earth, but there is somehow a lot fewer compartments, less luggage area and less leg room for passengers.

* Unplug everything so don't use (pay for) vampire energy - check.

* Shave husband bald - check. (He won't let me post photos!)

* Turn off air conditioner - check.

* Run dishwasher - check.

* Take out garbage - check.

* Empty fridge of left over food- check.

* Pick up clutter so clen house is waiting - check.

* Ask neighbors to call the cops if anyone lurks - check.

Road TRIP!

BlogHer or Bust!

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Last night our van broke down again.

Who cares? It can wait till we get back from BlogHer08, because GM is loaning us this '08 Chevy Tahoe Hybrid. Truly I've rarely even sat in a car this nice.

It's $52,780!

Yeah. An entire annual salary.

But, check out the features:

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DVD Player for the back seat How my childhood family vacations, and all the memories, would have been so different if we took a Tahoe and not the Toyota Corolla with 4 kids in the back.

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GPS System - I don't know what I was thinking yesterday when I said I was going by my mother's directions. Are you kidding? I'm testing out the GPS System! Hello?

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Reverse Camera - I put it into reverse and the thing shows me on the radio monitor what is behind me. How cool is that? No blind spots!

Get this no spare tire. They have a tire inflation system and sealant instead. Hmm.

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It says it gets 22 mpg on the highway. Which, really isn't great gas milage. It's only great gas milage in comparison to the 10 mpg some SUVs get.

I'm anxious about how much the gas for this trip is going to cost. It will only get more expensive the further west we go and it seems to go up daily.

But, don't care. Nothing's going to spoil my good time. Vacation with Chevy Tahoe on my way to BlogHer.

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Life is beautiful! I wish Hubby would get off early. The anticipation is bittersweet. I guess I better go pack Zack's clothes.

So Sioux Me Family Vacation

Empowering Girls: Under Pressure


Dove's new Campaign for Real Beauty viral video - Under Pressure.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

So Sioux Me's Family Vacation

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GM is giving my family a Hybrid Tahoe to drive across the country to BlogHer. Woo Hoo! We'll actually drive it to Salt Lake City because we already bought plane tickets to San Francisco from there.

Itinerary & Pit Stops

We'll drive straight through from Texas to Utah. Average driving time 24 hours. This is a pilgrimage my extended family has been making for 3 generations. Last year it took us 36 because Hubby, who's new to this family tradition thought it would be fun to go 5 hours out of the way to visit Telluride, Colorado with a 1 year old strapped in his car seat, to ride a free tram. This year he said, "I think we should just get there as fast as possible with no detours at all. What's the shortest way?" Yeah, that's what I thought.

"Call my mom." I told him. You go on mapquest and look up your directions. But, we've made that mistake before too. MapQuest didn't jive with "turn left at the Texaco at the second light." You think I'm trusting the GPS system in this fancy Hybrid over 50 years of tried and true family short cuts? I think not.

We will stop to pee, on the side of the road and at gas stations, which have become progressively cleaner in the last decade. We will buy snacks at Sams to save most money and drive through the $1 menu a few times. We'll stop at playgrounds to temper Zack's inevitable "GET ME OUT OF THIS CAR SEAT!"

We will leave after the Hubby gets off work and shaves his head. Yeah, he says this is the perfect time to shave his head while he has two weeks of vacation time to grow it back. He's got a very round head so I'm expecting it to be sexy. (After the hilarious laughter from me and the kids from the shock of it.)

So 7 pm on Friday night, we'll get in a car a full decade and a half younger than our minivan, which has also been in the shop all week. We'll relish the new car smell. We'll hope it's fully insured for spills and food - hey, we've got two kids.

My husband will drive as long as he can. The kids will fall asleep and we'll have peace for a full 12 hours. Around midnight or 1 p.m. he's going to say he's too tired. I'll stop and grab a Monster, which I only drink when driving all night. Before that it was nasty caffeine pills that made me feel icky.

The directions, on a piece of scrap paper, read like this:

Denton - 278

Wichita Falls

Amarillo (This is where the humidity lifts and you can breath again)

40 to Albequirqui, New Mexico

25 to Bernadillo

Farmington

Shipwreck

Cortez

Montecello

Moab

Price

Provo

Estimated Time of Arrival, factoring in stops to post blogs at truck stops and a 6-year-old and 2-year-old and "it's too dangerous for me to drive at this point naps" sometime Saturday night.

We'll let the kids acclimate to Grandma and Grandpa for one day, and take a long nap, before we leave for San Francisco and BlogHer.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Empowering Girls: Twilight, Female Crack Cocaine

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My much adored cousin told me I just HAD to read Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1), by Stephenie Meyer, which is flying off the shelves as women indulge our addiction to the love story.

In the meantime, I've been contemplating a few things like why girls and women can be so self-defeating.

Why does the battered wife stay or go back?

Why are girls willing to put up with blatant disrespect for boyfriends?

Why do women and girls tend to glamorize "giving up everything" for their husbands and children?

What is wrong with us?

Women make up 50% of the population, yet we have so little of the world's power. Why?

Read Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1).

Edward, the beautiful vampire tells Bella, the teenage human girl, over and over that his biggest desire is to kill her. That he can barely contain himself whenever he's around her. Her own demise only turns her on. She has zero sense of self-preservation. She "Loves" him. Within the first week of meeting Edward, who immediately treats her like crap, because he wants to harm her so badly he finds it difficult to resist, she gives up her friends, her studies, her father and her mother and all of her interests. Giving up everything is "worth it." (Where have I heard that line before mothers?)

The answer to all those questions is - we think it's romantic. It makes us hot. It makes us linger in the bathtub or passes the time quickly on the treadmill.

The self-defeat, the sacrifice, the giving up of self, is in our feminine collective dialogue and it's like crack cocaine to us.

Women are addicted to this emotional drug we call "Love", but which is really a lot more like unhealthy emotional psychosis.

It starts with the Disney Princess drama as toddlers and children.

But, then we grow up and it has no effect on us our "real life?" Right?

Then why is the Twilight Series flying off the shelves?

There's no sex in the book (because he would crush her vulnerable and breakable body). But, really, is sex the most self-distructive thing girls participate in? I think not. I would hold up "Love," and our distortions of it, as the most dangerous thing to girls' confidence, their self esteem, their sense of self, their psychological and emotional health. How many girls have sex too soon for this distortion of "Love?"

Here's the other thing that gets me about this type literary dialogue, it's so prevalent in the collective female culture. Yet, the "give up everything" theme doesn't exist in men's literature.

How many relationships have actually self-destructed with these words, "But I gave up everything for you!" women/girlfriends/wives declare.

"Who asked you to? Why would you do that?" men want to know. Love is not described in the same terms, nor defined by the need for women to give up so much of themselves that they no longer actually exist, in the literary consciousness of men.

Women keep acting out the same self-distructive communication patterns and the same self-sacrificing behaviors found in books like Twilight and men are completely bewildered by it.

The only literature or culture in which this exchange - women giving up everything - shows up is in their pornography, where women aren't featured for "LOVE" as we write it, they are featured as inanimate objects for a mere moment's pleasure.

Stop this little cultural miscommunication and you most likely increase not only the duration, but the quality, of marriage in this country.

Stop buying into this ridiculously absurd self-defeating definition of "LOVE" and we might actually give our daughters a shot at healthy love, positive and fulfilling relationships, and enduring marriages. One where they get to keep their selves, their identities, their interests, their talents, their careers, their hobbies, their sense of self-respect and their physical safety.

The question is - can we have both?

Can we have our trashy teenage romance vampire romance novel where we "pretend" to give up our choices and our well-being, our life even, our families, for the "love of our life" who wants to kill us and flat out tells us that and then live empowering strong lives?

Or, do we hardwire our brains to believe that doing self-defeating things for a man is "romantic?" If our brains are hard wired this way, are we passing that down to our daughters? Especially if we allow them to indulge in this type of culture and media?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Guest Blogger Invite

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Dear So Sioux Me Reader,

I'm going to Utah and San Francisco for two weeks on Friday. Yay! Going to speak at Blogher about some my favorite issues. Very exciting.

I am open to anyone who wishes to guest post on either Blog Fabulous or Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me.

I'm pretty open about what kinds of issues you can address on Blog Fabulous. We talk a lot about gender roles, marriage, money, parenting, politics, economy, books, beauty ideal, self or body image issues, Mommy Wars (work v. stay-at-home), God, the meaning of life, book reviews, product reviews, marketing and media.

Empowering Girls: So Sioux Me is about empowering daughters. If you have a daughter (or even if you don't, I guess) and have something to say about how to empowering girls, you are welcome to submit a blog post. Common topics include marketing and culture, girl culture, toys like Bratz and Barbies, sexualization of girls, parenting strategies, extracurricular activities, gender roles and studies, book reviews, etc.

Please send any submissions to me by Wednesday Night so I will have time to organize and time-stamp post them. Please, include a very short bio and photo of yourself and the link you would like to go back to your blog.

You do not have to have a blog to guest blog for me. You could just be a reader who's dying to say something.

Send everything to traceesioux(at)yahoo.com .

Monday, July 7, 2008

EmpoweringGirls(dot)com

So, of course I wanted to know, who owns the domain empoweringgirls(dot)com? I went there and it seemed to be parked. I wanted to contact the owner to see about acquiring the web address, so I scrolled to the bottom and clicked.

I was redirected to wildpartygirls(dot)com.

Porn, of course.

Girl is a 4 letter word.

APA Reports Sexualization of Girls Devastating

Sorry, no pictures today.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Empowering Girls: Attitude Boot Camp

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Whatever the cause of Ainsley's recent attitude problem, I was talking to my friend Jen from Jlogged.com.

She's got 3 boys, and I was telling her how FED UP I am and that I don't really know the most effective thing to do.

She suggested Boot Camp.

Hard labor she said. When they start acting up and getting out of control like that we sit them down for a family meeting and tell them we're not putting up with their attitude anymore and we're going to make them work.

But, she already has to do chores, I said.

Chores. No. I make them scrub toilets with a toothbrush. I make them rake leaves and do yard work. I make them do really hard and dirty jobs for really long periods of time. I ride them really hard for about 3 weeks and it seems to do the trick.

And the list of things that no one wants to do around here started adding up in my head. And I remembered my parents used to make us work too. And their parents before them. And who the heck cares if Supernanny has never featured the Hard Labor Attitude Boot Camp as a parenting method? It's worth a shot.

We sat down at the family meeting and took her to task for her attitude towards me and outlined the new rules.

Didn't she do a nice job on those weeds?

And the whole time she was out there it was blessed silence and peace. I just tell her she has one warning until she does more hard labor. I almost can't wait until she talks back so I can get the rest of the yard work done and the toilets . . .

Is there a downside to Attitude Boot Camp?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Empowering Girls: Attitude Problem

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So, you can tell from my Hannah Ban that my 6-year-old daughter's been having an attitude problem lately.

I dealt with one of the causes, but I'm not crazy enough to think the banning of Hannah will be enough to cure her attitude and the constant crossing of my boundaries.

Here's what's really upsetting me about Ainsley's attitude.

It's directed at me. And only me.

Her entire bratty dialogue, talking back, rudeness, fit throwing, defiance is directed to a single person on the entire planet and that person is ME.

Her dad says "go clean your room" and she obediently goes to clean her room.

Her dad says "stop doing that" and she immediately stops.

At church and school and over at friends and neighbors and grandparents the child is a "perfect angel."

I say "go clean your room" and it's 30 minutes of arguing, whining, fit throwing and negotiating her way out of it.

I say "stop doing that, please," and she ignores me.

"Please, don't do that," she keeps doing it and make up an excuse for continuing her behavior.

"I said top doing that," and there is angry fit throwing outburst, negotiating and whining and crying.

I SAID STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NOW! NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM CAUSE I'M NOT PUTING UP WITH THIS!

Jeez. You don't have to scream at me, she says all hurt.

Oh really? It appears to be the only way you listen to me, I think.

What I say is, I'm sorry I yelled.

Here's what I want to know - what is different about my "go clean your room" and her fathers? What is different about my "stop doing that" and the neighbors or the teachers or the church lady's?

I have 3 theories.

The first is that my own mother put a traditional daughter curse on me, "I hope you get a daughter exactly like you."

One theory is that this is growing/mother/daughter pains that comes with puberty - only it's lightyears early.

Another theory is that I'm projecting all my daughter issues from my own relationship with my mother on my relationship with my daughter. Put another way, that my feelings about how my own mother disciplined me is preventing me from being an effective disciplinarian for my daughter. In other words, when I say, "Go clean your room," I hear myself as a rebellious teenager say, No. I don't want to! Try to make me! It's MY room. And my daughter is picking up on this inner-conflict via osmosis or emotional consciousness.

Do any other mothers notice their children treating them in a distinctly different way than they they treat the other parent or other adults? How do you explain it?

Come back tomorrow to find out about Attitude Boot Camp.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Empowering Girls: Consuming Kids


What's the #1 thing we should teach our kids? Marketing Resistance. They're really gonna need it.