We went to the Exploratorium in San Francisco.

One particular exhibit had a disconcerting effect on me for days.

You sit in between two mirrors and look at your self.

One is a regular mirror and show's you how you see yourself every day. The top photo is how I see myself.

The other shows you what other people see every day. It shows you what you really look like.

Do you see a minute difference between the top photo and the bottom photo?

I've been fascinated by my own emotional reaction. Truly, it was unsettling to see my reflection differently than I do everyday.

The top photo, what I see in the mirror is more attractive to me.

My eyes are uneven in the second photo. The right eye, when looking at it, is slightly lower than the left one.

I find I hold my head slightly tilted in a way that makes my features more even. I think I also hold that eyebrow higher to make the eyes look more symmetrical. I compensate for the flaw I've really only noticed once in a photo when I was pregnant with Zack.

Since you are other people and it's not your face I really have no clue how you are perceiving the attractiveness of the two photos or whether you see the unevenness of my eyes at all. For all I know, everyone who sees me, may choose to make the same correction that I do for myself.

It strikes me as a kindness to myself that my subconscious mind chooses to correct my minor flaw so that I not only feel more attractive, but literally see myself as more attractive.

It also strikes me that people who suffer from eating disorders, like anorexia and bulimia or the emotional disorder of body dysmorphia for some reason they aren't subconsciously fixing their features in their minds.

They are not only seeing their minor flaw - they are focusing on it and magnifying it.

Its also likely they are expecting the outside world, other people, to treat them the way they treat themselves. Did you see how I assumed that others would treat me with the same kindness as I show myself and that others would correct or overlook the minor flaw in their own perceptions, rather than focus on it and magnify it? This assumption is likely a result of my habit of doing such a kindness for myself and for others.

Were I unkind to myself, and if I made a habit of focusing on the minor flaws of other people, I would likely assume that others were also doing so to me.

That's my theory anyway, based on everything I've read about self-esteem, self-worth, and eating disorders and related emotional disorders.

It follows then that maybe we can teach our daughters to serve their own mental health and self-esteem.

Cutting ourselves, our daughters and others some slack for our minor physical flaws teaches, by example, our daughters this emotional skill vital to their self-preservation.

Treating ourselves, our daughters, and others - especially other girls and women - with kindness is also a teachable habit.

Self-love and self-acceptance is a skill. One we learn and one we can teach.

Maybe you'll recall, last year my daughter had this annoying habit of harassing me about a school lunch tray and Lunchables. I sent her a healthy lunch in a pink plastic lunch box. Every day she'd negotiate with me, If I clean up my room can I have a Lunchable? Can I take a Lunchable on the Field Trip?

Only every time I sent a Lunchable she didn't eat it - because the food sucks.

Then I'd be superannoyed because they cost 3 freaking dollars. The whole point of sending a lunch is economy and health. Lunchables violates everything a lunch should be. It's the Kindergarten status symbol, don't you know?

But, then I read Jen's, Lunch Box Mania, Keyword "Mania." She wanted to cut down on disposable items like baggies. Good point. She did all the environmental and cost analysis homework for me and even told me where to buy these Faux Lunchable trays.

Target for $3 each.

How's that for peer pressure? Ainsley's status symbol is a Lunchable and mine is an economically and environmentally friendly object that will allow me to feed my kid healthy food without incessant complaining.

Please God, don't let it take her 35 years to figure out how to choose your peer pressure for your own self-preservation and best interests.

I figured I'd buy two so one could be in the dishwasher and one could be at school. Of course, I should have factored in the brother and bought 4.

I am also concerned about plastics due to the research I've been doing on early and precocious puberty.

Unfortunately, the only metal child-sized drinking options conflicted with our branding rules - High School Musical (I promised she could have High School Musical everything when she's in High School. But, it's not called 1st Grade Musical or Primary Musical), Princess and Bratz - those were my choices. So, I opted for the Dora plastic thermos with the snack compartment on the bottom until I can find a thermos without implications. (Okay, that's a good point - the lunch box is also plastic.)

As you saw in the video, the Baked Cheetos are going to buy me a lot of peace, I think. Last year I was probably too strict on her lunch snacks. This was daddy's brilliant idea. It's only 100 calories. We bought the bulk box for $8.95 at Sams Club and there are 30 packages.

That's 6 weeks of family harmony and peace - what a bargain.

Empowering Girls: Lunchables

Potty Dance and YouTube Peer Pressure

Empowering Girls: Girls-Only Public School

Empowering Girls: Early Puberty

Precocious Puberty

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out

Go Bratz Go!

by Tracee Sioux

Perfection - it's the pervasive modern-day feminine Achilles heel and we're passing it down to our daughters according to The Supergirl Dilemma a report about the pressure girls today are under.

Girls feel strong pressure to be perfect, look perfect and behave perfect all the time.

And I don't feel this is something we can blame on men. When was the last time you heard a man exclaim, I can't be perfect! I can't be everything to everyone all the time! Um, Never.

No, this is not an external problem - it's an internal feminine problem stemming from MOTHERS.

{{{{{Gasp}}}}} I said it.

To illustrate why I think so, here's two quick references to mother's preoccupation with perfection in our current feminine dialogue: Christine Fugate writes in the foreword of her new book, The Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood Volume 1,

Over one hundred essays poured in from 26 states and four countries. Reading the essays shed light on the current state of the mom-mind. For example, the word 'perfect' (of a variation of it) was used over 92 times. That's almost one 'perfect' for every mom. While I think the questioning of perfection is positive (although not every essay questioned it), the frequency shows that the desire to be 'perfect' continues to loom over our sense of identity.

In The Feminine Mistake, Leslie Bennetts writes,

All too many American women are in thrall to increasingly deranged ideals of perfection. We live in a culture that constantly exhorts us to improve ourselves - and that assumes the perfectibility of virtually everything. If you don't like your nose, get a nose job! If you don't like the color of your hair, dye it! If your thighs are lumpy have liposuction! If you want abs of steel, go to the gym! Personal maintenance has become a national obsession that consumes a staggering amount of energy and resources; if American women put even a fraction of the time they spend on their appearance into working or social and political change, this country would be utterly transformed.

The Supergirl Dilemma, the report we discussed on Friday about gender stereotypes by Girls Inc., does not ignore the influence of adults in the girls' perceptions of what is important.

It's no surprise that the adult women - mothers and nonmothers included - answers to the questions mirrors the girls' answers to the questions.

True, People think that girls care a lot about shopping, 92% of the women said.

True, girls are under a lot of pressure to please everyone, 84% of the adult women said.

True, Girls are under a lot of pressure to dress the right way, 89% of the the adult women said.

What's fascinating is that women were much more likely than men to say they disliked that these stereotypes are true. Women are also more likely than the girls to say they disliked that these stereotypes are true - by a lot.

One reads the women's answers to the questions about girls and wonders if they aren't really answering what it was like for themselves as girls.

Perhaps because the women themselves are caving under the pressure of being perfect?

Our daughters emulate us, especially emotionally.

As in most reports about girls there's a lot of talk about media influence and pressure.

I'm definitely interested in helping Ainsley resist media pressure - but, who is helping her resist internalizing my feelings of being under pressure?

I'd like to see a report about how the media - television, marketing and advertising - is impacting mothers.

Are mothers figuring out how to deal with The Onslaught about women's bodies and sexuality, or are we internalizing it in an unhealthy way and then passing that onto our own daughters?

How are mothers going to resist media pressure that tells us we're never good enough?

If we can get right with ourselves, learn to accept our own selves in our imperfect states, and let this perfection pressure go, nothing will be able to hold our empowered daughters back.

If not. . . well, there's a lot of pressure to be perfect and I don't have to tell you how that feels - you already know.

Empowering Girls: Criticize Daughters' DNA

My Face/Her Face

Self-Loathing Sin Bank
Empowering Girls: Marketing Boundaries

APA Reports Sexualization of Girls Devastating

Math: It's A Tie

by Tracee Sioux 

"Olivia said she had sex with a boy," my six-year-old daughter Ainsley reported. Sex has been coming up a lot lately. Her friends are a year older and all have older siblings. 

"What do you know about sex?" I asked. 

"It's about boys and girls and taking off their clothes and kissing and stuff," she said.

"That's very good. They do take off their clothes and kiss and stuff. But, that's not all," I told her. "Sex is how mommies and daddies make babies," I said as nonchalantly as possible while pouring cereal.

"Oh." 

"You can see Zack has a penis and you have a vagina right? Well grown ups do too. Daddies put the penis in the Mommy's vagina and some stuff called sperm comes out and Mommies' have an egg in their uterus. When the sperm and the egg meet in the Mommies' uterus the woman gets a baby in there. And you already know how Zack came out," I finished.

"Oh, and there's kissing and stuff," she said. 

"That's right, but the kissing and stuff is called 'making out' and it's part of sex but it's not sex. Children should never have sex. I don't think Olivia had sex and I don't think that's a nice thing for she or you to say. She may not understand what sex is," I said.

"Sex is sacred and you should talk about it with respect. It's not really for joking. It's special and it's for Mommies and Daddies who love each other," I went on. 

"I want you to remember the safety rules."

"Nobody can touch my body except for me. Just like hugs and stuff but no touching my bottom or vagina and stuff," Ainsley recited.

"Right. When anyone talks about sex I want you to come and get me so we can talk about it together," I added a rule. 

Flash forward to afternoon when Olivia has come back to play.

"Girls were you talking about sex last night?" I asked with a neutral blank tone. 

"No, but the boys were," says Olivia.

Ainsley blushes. I think back to the night before when we had families from church over for dinner. We had left the children playing outside alone, the boys were a few years older than the girls. Maybe 10.

"What did the boys say?"

"They said, 'have you ever had sex?' And we said 'no.' And they said 'you probably don't know what it is.' And we said, 'it's like kissing and taking off our clothes and stuff,'" informed Olivia.

"It's when mommies and daddies," Ainsley started. . .

"Ains we have to let Olivia's mom tell her that," I said.

"Sex is nasty!" Olivia said.

"When mommies and daddies do it it's not nasty, it's special. But remember it's not something children or teenagers do," I replied.

"Listen girls, when anyone like those boys start talking about sex I want you to come and get me so we can all talk about it together," I said again. 

"Yes Mam. Yes Mam."

"Those boys are lots older than you and we only kinda know them," I reminded. "I want you to remember the safety rules. There's no touching, kissing, holding hands or showing each other your bodies, right?"

"Right. Right."

Overall, I felt the sex talk was a little anti-climactic considering the anxiety my husband and I had leading up to it. We consulted the experts, read informative books, even spoke to a sex educator/marriage counselor and realized that we didn't want to be the only two people in her life not talking about it. 

We wanted to make sure she understood the facts, rather than the misinformation from friends, television, advertisements, etc. We wanted to apply our morality to it and make sure she understood that it was special, not something to be shared with everyone, nothing to be taken lightly and nothing she should be concerning herself with now. We also wanted to prevent and avoid any psychological shaming damage. 

More sex talk: 

• Third Base Ain't What It Used To Be
  
• Sexy
  
• Kinda Knows
  

by Tracee Sioux

Mom! Look at this picture, it's hideous!

What's the onomatopoeia for cackling at irony? I responded with that.

Stop laughing!

I'm sorry. I had no idea it was picture day. I wouldn't have made you wear it, if I'd known. Heeheeeh HAAahhaaaHAahaha!

Stop laughing!

One of the greatest joys of mothering Ainsley has been to see what she's going to wear.

Her translation of fashion is always ground-breaking and clever. Amusing even at it's worst. She'll wear an entire package of headbands at once and I'll think, Man, I bet designers wish they had that kind of creativity because that looks fantastic. She often wears pants under skirts and it's pretty funky cool.

I have only 3 rules

• modest
  
• clean
• appropriate

But this day, she couldn't decide. I got fed up with her I have nothing to wear mantra and went into her closet and grabbed the first thing that went with the new pants my mother bought her.

I said something like, Who cares? It's one day. Wear it!

It's ugly.

I don't care. You're wearing it.

Considering how nonrestrictive I've been about her clothing choices I thought she should get over it pretty easily.

Her dilemma wasn't really her fault either. She had sprouted up a few inches, making all her shirts too short and her pants were kind of low-riders. She couldn't find anything to wear because she was trying to obey the modest rule.

One of the few times I pull the, "I don't care you're wearing it" mommy card and of course, it's picture day. Figures.

Heeheeeh HAAahhaaaHAahaha!

A few weeks ago:

Hey, Ains. What did you learn in school today?

We learned about a king. He got the black people freed.

You mean a president?

No a king.

You mean somewhere else?

No here.

This is America. We don't have kings here. We have presidents. Could they be talking about Abraham Lincoln?

No, it's a king. And we also get to not go to school on Monday.

It says on the lunch calendar that there is lunch on Monday. You just got done with Christmas break. I think you have school.

No, they said there won't be any school because of someone's birth day.

A week later at dinner.

What did you learn in school today, Ainsley?

We learned about Martin Luther King. He got the whites and the blacks together.

Right. A king. That brought freedom to black people. No school on Monday. Martin Luther King Day.

Mommy did you know they used to not let blacks and whites go to school together or drink out of the same drinking fountain? Did you know they weren't allowed to be friends or be together in the bus?

I know.

Isn't that terrible?

It is terrible.

Isn't it happy that we all get to be together now?

Yes, very happy!

My dream is that she'll have a similar conversation with her daughter about women's equality.

Mommy, did you know that women didn't used to have equal rights?

I know honey. Isn't that crazy? she'll say, remembering absurd it was.