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Friday, December 7, 2007

First Crush


Hey Ainsley, remember when I told you that if Austin was hitting you that meant he liked you?

Yeah.

Well, I was wrong to tell you that. I don't ever want you to think anyone, ever has any right to treat you with disrespect. I want you to always expect respect, especially from boys who like you. A boy never, ever has any right to hit you, slap you or call you names.

And if a Austin likes you he needs to find a better, nicer way to express himself. You always deserve that. Do you understand?

Yes. Well, we were just playing tag ball and the ball hurts when you get tagged so we had to take some time outs.

Okay. When is a boy allowed to hit you or call you names?

Never.

What are you going to do if it happens?

Tell him to stop and come get you or the teacher.

Okay then. Good.


Read the original exchange at He's Always Hitting Me.

7 comments:

Sierra said...

I was so glad to read this post and I'm really impressed that you were willing to change your mind.

Tracee said...

Thanks Sierra.

No one is right all of the time.

When I thought about it, hitting to show effection was the absolute wrong thing to teach her. It just felt innocuous and normal in the moment, probably due to my own experiences.

Thank God parenting isn't an absolute. When we reserve the right to change our minds or allow ourselves to be wrong we're more likely to get it right eventually.

Violet said...

This is one reason I love you. You are always very honest about your mistakes and open to changing your mind. I love that you told Ainsley this! :)

Tracee said...

Violet, thanks.

Sometimes I get defensive and throw temper tantrums before changing my mind . . . but I'm working on that.

Belinda said...

Good for you

Im concerned about whoever taught the boy that hitting a girl is showing you like her.

Tracee said...

It should be noted that I supplied that interpretation of a crush to his aggression. (He didn't admit such a thing to either of us.)

It was based on my knowledge of Ainsley having a crush on him, and the possibility that he might share her feelings.

Am I the only one who remembers elementary school when the boys would steal a girl's shoe and play an aggressive game of keep-away during recess? I swear that boy was flirting in the only way he knew how. Am I the only one who remembers boys relentlessly teasing the girl they had a crush on? Any excuse to get or give attention and since kissing and saying "I think about you all the time" wasn't age-appropriate sometimes that turned into getting hit too hard in ball tag.

I could have sworn this was a universal boy-girl experience.

All this to say, I don't think anyone "taught" the boy aggressive behavior. I think it's the result of being unallowed to show his true feelings of affection. I suspect it's more a case of repression. I also suspect it's the prevelent feeling of boys who are in their 7-12th years.

However, I think I was wrong to tell Ainsley to simply accept any aggressive behavior from boys. Definately wrong to tell her to take it as a compliment.

Honestly, for all I know he doesn't have a crush on her at all and my whole interpretation is off.

Violet said...

I honestly don't remember any boys who "liked me" aggressively like that. I always thought that idea was just a stereotype.

I was teased and all, but I don't remember it being because they liked me, just because they were being little a-holes.

My first boyfriend in the first grade just wanted to hold hands and play doctor.

Friday, December 7, 2007

First Crush


Hey Ainsley, remember when I told you that if Austin was hitting you that meant he liked you?

Yeah.

Well, I was wrong to tell you that. I don't ever want you to think anyone, ever has any right to treat you with disrespect. I want you to always expect respect, especially from boys who like you. A boy never, ever has any right to hit you, slap you or call you names.

And if a Austin likes you he needs to find a better, nicer way to express himself. You always deserve that. Do you understand?

Yes. Well, we were just playing tag ball and the ball hurts when you get tagged so we had to take some time outs.

Okay. When is a boy allowed to hit you or call you names?

Never.

What are you going to do if it happens?

Tell him to stop and come get you or the teacher.

Okay then. Good.


Read the original exchange at He's Always Hitting Me.

7 comments:

Sierra said...

I was so glad to read this post and I'm really impressed that you were willing to change your mind.

Tracee said...

Thanks Sierra.

No one is right all of the time.

When I thought about it, hitting to show effection was the absolute wrong thing to teach her. It just felt innocuous and normal in the moment, probably due to my own experiences.

Thank God parenting isn't an absolute. When we reserve the right to change our minds or allow ourselves to be wrong we're more likely to get it right eventually.

Violet said...

This is one reason I love you. You are always very honest about your mistakes and open to changing your mind. I love that you told Ainsley this! :)

Tracee said...

Violet, thanks.

Sometimes I get defensive and throw temper tantrums before changing my mind . . . but I'm working on that.

Belinda said...

Good for you

Im concerned about whoever taught the boy that hitting a girl is showing you like her.

Tracee said...

It should be noted that I supplied that interpretation of a crush to his aggression. (He didn't admit such a thing to either of us.)

It was based on my knowledge of Ainsley having a crush on him, and the possibility that he might share her feelings.

Am I the only one who remembers elementary school when the boys would steal a girl's shoe and play an aggressive game of keep-away during recess? I swear that boy was flirting in the only way he knew how. Am I the only one who remembers boys relentlessly teasing the girl they had a crush on? Any excuse to get or give attention and since kissing and saying "I think about you all the time" wasn't age-appropriate sometimes that turned into getting hit too hard in ball tag.

I could have sworn this was a universal boy-girl experience.

All this to say, I don't think anyone "taught" the boy aggressive behavior. I think it's the result of being unallowed to show his true feelings of affection. I suspect it's more a case of repression. I also suspect it's the prevelent feeling of boys who are in their 7-12th years.

However, I think I was wrong to tell Ainsley to simply accept any aggressive behavior from boys. Definately wrong to tell her to take it as a compliment.

Honestly, for all I know he doesn't have a crush on her at all and my whole interpretation is off.

Violet said...

I honestly don't remember any boys who "liked me" aggressively like that. I always thought that idea was just a stereotype.

I was teased and all, but I don't remember it being because they liked me, just because they were being little a-holes.

My first boyfriend in the first grade just wanted to hold hands and play doctor.